


An Education: Jo

by mag_lex



Series: An Education - Yaz x Jo AU [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Jo/Clara, Minor Character Death, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Yaz/jo, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-04-06 16:09:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 33,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19066045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mag_lex/pseuds/mag_lex
Summary: A companion piece to the original An Education, which was told from Yaz's perspective. This one is focused on Jo and would probably make more sense if read second, but it might also be feasible to read them in either order if all goes to plan!AU in which Doctor Jo Smith meets a PE teacher who turns her whole life upside down.





	1. A first day

**Author's Note:**

> Eek this is nerve-wracking. The tags and rating will update as we proceed but I didn't want to give too much away just yet! 
> 
> A big thank you to the wonderful TheRainbowFox for being my beta reader on this, please go and check out her fics too! They are great 😀 
> 
> As always, come find me on Tumblr (@maglex) or comment away below, I love to talk! 
> 
> Without further ado...we begin.

_ September _

Doctor Jo Smith loved the first day of term. There was something about the promise of a fresh start and new faces to greet her; the unknown was thrilling. She finished brushing her teeth and rinsed out the foam, gargling with some mouthwash, and finally grinning at herself in the mirror. River had always said that Jo's smile was one of her best features.

She was up before dawn. It wasn't hard when the birds awoke at three am, or when her sleep was so broken that she could barely consider it sleep at all. No matter – Jo didn't need much sleep. At least, that's what she kept telling herself. She splashed cold water on her face, embracing the shock of it and how it made her feel alive. A burst of adrenaline to kick-start the day: it was better than coffee.

Jo stripped off her striped pyjamas, reaching for the tap and humming as she waited for the shower to warm up. She considered her day – or rather, her first week – and what it might hold in store. She was the newest English teacher at Southview Academy, and her schedule so far was full of A-level classes, which was exactly what she'd been hoping for. Jo mentally skimmed over her lesson plans as she stepped into the warm water, wondering how hard she was going to push her students on their first day back after the summer holidays. She had no concerns about them pushing back – several years of teaching in different schools around the world had equipped her with a quick wit, an eye for trouble, and a gift for winning kids over. Often, she learned as much from her students as they did from her, and mutual respect certainly made life a lot easier. Jo really did love her job.

The sky was still a pale pink when she emerged from the shower, her blonde hair quickly wrapped up in a towel turban before she squinted at the mirror, scrutinising her face. There were the signs of laughter around her eyes; a smattering of freckles on her right cheek had appeared after several months spent in tropical sunshine, and stubbornly refused to fade. Jo absently touched them with her index finger, a constellation that River had regularly mapped in a similar fashion. Jo swallowed hard at the thought, pulling her finger away quickly. She frowned, wondering why she was even inspecting her appearance so closely. Vanity was an unfamiliar concept, but Jo couldn't help but notice that at the start of each term, she was starting to look just a little bit older. The changes were subtle, but they were certainly there. She wondered if she'd have to start some kind of age-defying beauty routine.

“Get a grip,” Jo muttered, frustrated at herself. Since when did she care how she looked? Or, even worse, how she compared with others? When Jo thought about her life trajectory, she knew she was an outlier. Her friends were all settling down and having children, but Jo? Jo was nowhere near ready for that. Her life, as it was, made her happy. She didn't even consider changing it, not since she'd come back home. To contemplate anything else was intimidating, if she was honest with herself.

As she left the bathroom, Jo smiled when she saw the shadows of leaves poking out from her bookcase down the hall.

“Morning, fam,” she called out into the quiet.

Her plants didn't reply, but Jo knew for a fact that they thrived on the sound of her voice. She briefly stopped to inspect the leaves of each and every one, happy when there was no sign of disease or disorder. These plants were Jo's only responsibility, and that suited her just fine. She'd once had to cat-sit for a friend and had been convinced the animal would be dead every time she put the key in the door. Subsequently, vegetation was as big a commitment as she felt confident making.

Finally, the sounds of life started to emerge outside. The distant sound of a bus revving its engine as it struggled up the nearby hill. Someone's car alarm going off. At a push, Jo could hear a siren in the distance. She stuck her head out of the bedroom window, breathing in the cool morning air. A perfect morning for a bike ride.

* * *

Jo's commute was a new adventure. The roads were slightly busier than she was used to, and she made a mental note to find a quieter route. Although she loved the hustle and bustle of everyday life, she needed space to think. Her mind often wandered, constantly churning over whatever thought popped into her head at any given moment. Cycling gave her time to think, to experience life as it passed her by. But she could have done without an aggressive bus driver honking at her, jolting her out of her thoughts.

“Alright, mate,” she muttered, pulling closer to the pavement to let him past. A new route was definitely in order.

Jo was relieved when she finally caught sight of the school, a rather uninspiring brick building that made up for being so drab by surrounding itself with lush green playing fields. She knew that sport was very popular at this school – at her interview, the interviewer panel had raved about the school football and hockey teams – but Jo wasn't particularly sporty. She'd be the first to admit that even her bike was rather middle-aged, with a comfortable saddle, sweeping handlebars, and a basket that could hold all manner of items without issue. She'd been inspired after seeing several such bikes on a trip to Amsterdam, and there wasn't a day that went by when she didn't pat herself on the back for such a sensible purchase. That, and when she'd seen the colour of it – a magical shade of blue that drew her eye immediately and refused to let go, as if personally encouraging her to make the purchase – she knew she'd found her bicycle.

Jo carefully wheeled her bike into the bike sheds, frowning as she tried to make out the layout. She had just about finished lining it up with the rail when she bashed the lock off the metal, creating an almighty clang. Sheepishly, she looked up, immediately making eye contact with a woman who happened to be passing just at that moment.

Jo almost dropped the lock.

The moment their eyes met, Jo felt something she would later struggle to describe. It was almost as if she recognised this woman, but after a second, she knew with certainty that they'd never met before. The reality of it made her deflate a little; the spark of recognition faded. But there was definitely a spark of something, that much Jo knew. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the woman's long dark hair, her clothing, and the way she carried herself. She almost had a kind of swagger, for lack of a better word. The combination was arresting and Jo smiled instinctively, a genuine smile that showed her teeth. A millisecond later it was returned, and Jo could feel her cheeks burn. _Still smiling like a loon_.

The woman finally turned away, continuing her conversation with a tall man as they walked towards the main doors. Jo poked her head out of the bike sheds, watching them go. They walked closely together, talking animatedly. Just before they walked through the doors, the woman gave the man a friendly shove on the arm. Were they friends? Partners? Teachers? Surely they must be if they were at school at this time of day. Jo was immediately intrigued. Her day had suddenly become a lot more interesting.


	2. An introduction

Chaos was everywhere. People kept shoving and pushing as they surged past, rushing to get to work or to the shops, or simply because that was the pace of life that these people had adopted. A wall of unfamiliar faces loomed large, their features swirling in an incomprehensible palette of humanity. Jo tried not to panic, knowing she could get her bearings if she just stopped for a moment to catch her breath. But it was hard when so many bodies were crowding her, making her feel claustrophobic.

Jo could feel herself start to sweat, wanting nothing more than to get out of there. But she couldn't, not until she'd found what she was looking for: one familiar face in a sea of hundreds. She turned, searching more and more desperately for that face she wanted to see more than any other. A face that was familiar, comforting, and safe. _Home_.

As if by magic, the endless wave of people finally parted, and Jo felt the tight band that was constricting her chest in panic start to ease. Ahead, she could see a familiar head of hair, distinct from all the rest.

"River!" Jo shouted, relief flooding her veins. But River didn't hear her, and Jo despaired as she started to walk away, her back still turned. Somehow, the swathes of people didn't obstruct her path. Jo squeezed past a group of young men, who all turned to stare at her without comprehension. She ignored their blank, intimidating stares. An undercurrent of anxiety made her feel unsafe. If she could just get to River, everything would be alright.

"River!" Jo shouted again, that familiar sense of panic returning. She could feel her shirt stick to the clammy skin of her chest. Her heart was racing, but she continued to push, determined to get through. Slowly, she made progress, but it was tough going. As she closed the final few feet between them, Jo lurched forwards, her arms outstretched to make physical contact.

At the touch of a hand on her arm, River finally turned around, and Jo felt her stomach instantly sink with realisation. Crimson coated one side of River's face, stemming from the head injury that had ultimately killed her. Seemingly oblivious to the mortal wound, River smiled at her, a rictus grin of bloody teeth and torn lips. It was horrifying, and the effect was instantaneous.

Jo shouted as she jolted up in bed, completely drenched in sweat. Her eyes darted around the room as if checking whether River was still there. She felt sick, on edge, and thoroughly rattled by the images her brain had supplied.

Jo bit her lip, hard, as she tried to hold back the tears, putting her head in her hands. It had all felt so real - too real - but it was a familiar dream and Jo had resigned herself to the fact that she would be dreaming about River for a while to come. It had been a couple of years since the accident, two years during which Jo had mourned and grieved her loss. But it still felt far too soon to move on. River haunted her.

Belatedly, Jo realised she had awoken in daylight. That in itself was unusual, because these dreams normally woke her in the middle of the night and made it impossible to get back to sleep. But after a few seconds, she noticed that her alarm was going off. The chaos in her head had drowned it out. Jo reached out a shaking arm to check the time and swore, loudly.

She had to shower - there was no way she could go to school like this - but it meant that dressing was done in a rush and breakfast was out of the question. Of all days to sleep in, it had to be the first assembly of the year. Jo tutted as she brushed her teeth, trying to dispel the images of her dream. Really, they were nightmares, but she refused to give them that power over her.

 _A problem for another time,_  Jo thought, shoving the issue aside, yet again. Today, she had other things to worry about - like how to slip into assembly without drawing attention to herself.

Unfortunately, it was already underway when she finally arrived at the school and she hovered outside the doors while she waited for a natural break in proceedings. As the headmaster wrapped up his introductory speech, Jo bit the bullet. The doors creaked as she pushed them open, and she ignored the eyes that immediately fixed onto her as she scoped out the nearest available seat.

_Success._

Just as she sat down, Jo realised her mission to slip in un-noticed by the headteacher had failed.

"Ah, there she is. Our newest member of staff, and our new sixth form English lit teacher, if you wouldn't mind standing up please, Doctor Smith?"

Jo tried not to cringe as she got to her feet. She wished she'd had more time to consider her outfit, and that Mr Beale - or, as she knew him better, Simon - would stop using her title. Jo could feel her cheeks become warm as she gave a half-wave to the room, sitting down as soon as she could. All of those eyes on her and yet she felt one gaze in particular.

The woman she had seen yesterday was sitting across the hall, and Jo could see her out of the corner of her eye. Given where she was sitting, she must have been a teacher, so that was one mystery solved. Jo resisted the urge to look in her direction, making a show of focusing on the headteacher. Give her tardiness she was keen to pay attention, or at least look like she was. In reality her mind was whirling and she wanted nothing more than to sit down with a cup of tea and several custard creams to set her thoughts in order.

Simon pulled her to one side once the assembly was finished. If they weren't such good friends, Jo would have thought she was in trouble.

"I hope you don't mind me saying, but you look a bit tired. Is everything alright?"

"Ah, just one of those days. Forgot to set an alarm," Jo bluffed. "You know you don't have to call me 'Doctor', by the way." She already knew how he would respond and rubbed at her tired eyes in anticipation.

"I'll use every opportunity to drop it in and you know that," he smiled. "It was very hard earned."

Jo blew out her cheeks. They had met during teacher training and had been good friends ever since; when Simon had heard about what happened to her parents he had become very protective and almost brotherly towards her. He had also suggested that she come home and teach when River had died. Jo appreciated having someone to fight her corner, despite his persistence in singing her praises.

"Still. Sorry for being so late," she said, plastering on a smile to assure him she really was alright.

Simon regarded her carefully.

"You never need to apologise to me, Jo. Just promise me you'll talk to me if you need to?"

She nodded rapidly, and he sighed, giving her a friendly pat on the arm.

"Alright then. Go and teach those sixth formers something they'll never forget," he said, winking at her before heading to his office. Jo breathed a sigh of relief. Although it was nice to have a good friend at school - it was how she'd heard about the position, to start with - he could read her well. Jo made a habit of keeping people at a distance for this very reason; she felt guilty when people worried about her.

Squaring her shoulders, Jo headed off to her classes, eager to fill the day with something much more enjoyable and relegate the dregs of her dream to distant memory. At least hiding behind the mask of teacher was something she could do with minimal effort.

But when the bell finally signalled the end of the day, Jo let out a huge sigh of relief. She'd made it. Now, all she wanted was to go home and try to switch off. The bike ride home would clear her head, and the thought introduced a spring to her step.

Jo was in the middle of unlocking her bike when she heard a voice, drifting closer. She listened for another voice but the conversation was one-sided, and she realised the woman speaking must be on the phone. Realising she wouldn't be able to interrupt the conversation, Jo put on her helmet and was about to wheel her bike out of the shed when the voice - and the person it belonged to - turned the corner.

“I love you.”

Startled, the two women looked at each other, clearly not expecting to bump into one another. Jo hadn't expected to see the mystery woman so soon, or so close. Her voice sounded warm and friendly. When they locked eyes, Jo noticed the other woman was as surprised as she was, going by the way in which she fumbled with her phone and promptly hung up on whoever she had just professed her love to. It had been a while since someone had said that to Jo.

Jo felt her brain finally kick into gear. It usually served her well in these kinds of situations - she was good at thinking on her feet.

“Oh! Well that's very kind of you to say, but we've only just met.”

Maybe not quite as good as she'd hoped. Jo mentally face-palmed when the other woman took a step back, breaking eye contact.

“I-er, yeah, sorry!” she mumbled, clearly caught off-guard.

Jo tried to make up for her attempt at humour. The last thing she wanted to do was make a new colleague uncomfortable, especially on her second day at a new school.

“Jo Smith, I'm new here,” Jo said, instinctively putting out her hand.

“Yasmin Khan. Yaz, to my friends,” Yaz replied, shaking the proffered hand. Jo noticed that her grip was firm, and warm. She felt a tingle where their skin met but if the other woman did, she made no obvious sign of it.

“Shaking hands is so formal! Sorry, habit,” Jo muttered, shifting her backpack up higher on her back. She blamed lack of sleep for her uncharacteristic social awkwardness, and decided to jump ship before she could dig herself a deeper hole. She promised herself she would make more of an effort next time.

“Anyway, it's very nice to meet you, Yaz. I'm sure I'll see you around.” She smiled broadly - that came naturally, at least - and pushed her bike out of the shed, unable to resist looking back to wave briefly at Yaz.

 _Yasmin Khan_. The name felt odd on the tip of her tongue and she mouthed the words, letting herself get acquainted with them. Another piece of the puzzle fell into place, but Jo was still intrigued by the brief contact. There was something about Yaz that lingered in Jo's mind, and she couldn't put her finger on it. She considered this puzzle the entire journey home, surprised to find herself outside her flat half an hour later.

Jo shelved those thoughts for another time, resolving to let her mind relax and try and get a decent night's sleep. For once, she did.


	3. A bike ride and a coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You might notice that this is basically two chapters in one - because not all of Yaz's story has a parallel with Jo's. But there will be some new stuff creeping into later chapters, just to keep you on your toes!
> 
> Big thanks, as always, to TheRainbowFox for keeping me sane through this!
> 
> I always love to hear your thoughts. Don't forget to come and find me on Tumblr (@maglex)!

When she arrived at the school gates one morning a couple of weeks later, Jo found her first opportunity to finally get to know Yasmin Khan. She had been surprisingly hard to catch sight of and Jo found herself wondering if she was a part-time or substitute teacher when, one regular Thursday morning, she turned around to find none other than Yaz behind her.

Jo wouldn’t admit it, but Yaz had been on her mind those past couple of weeks after their first meeting. Not in the foreground, but every now and again Jo would find herself thinking about Yaz. She had wanted nothing more than to introduce herself properly and get to know her new colleague.

_That’s all it is. Nothing more._

The fact that Jo suddenly found herself face to face with the woman who had been resident in her thoughts was not to blame for the sudden leap her heart took. No, that was purely down to the commute she'd just completed on her bike.

“Oh! Morning, Yaz! Beautiful day for a bike ride, eh?” Jo waited and gathered her wits about her as Yaz walked up, wheeling her green road bike alongside.

Yaz had smiled, a smile that Jo couldn’t help but return. They walked slowly towards the bike sheds together and Jo tried to surreptitiously gauge her colleague's mood. Jo was a morning person but she knew that talking to anybody before eight o'clock in the morning could be a gamble. Luckily, Yaz wasn't fazed by her early morning enthusiasm.

“Yeah, not a bad way to start the day,” Yaz said, leaning her bike against a post as she unclipped her helmet.

Jo tried to ignore the way Yaz’s fleece rode up as she removed her helmet. Her brain unhelpfully took note of Yaz’s musculature and while it did so, Jo let her eyes drift to Yaz’s legs. They were strong legs. _Must be from all the cycling_.

Jo cleared her throat, opting to fix her gaze on Yaz’s bike instead of the toned skin that had been so tantalisingly revealed

“I love your bike,” said Jo, eyes wide as she tried to focus on something that was decidedly less distracting. “The handlebars look fun. I'm too scared to try one of those, though.”

“Really? How come?”

“ _Way_ too clumsy.”

The words were out before she even knew what she was saying. She could see the cogs turning and predicted what Yaz was going to say before she even opened her mouth.

“Give it a go,” Yaz said, eyebrow raised in a challenge. When Jo hesitated, she pushed the bike out towards her.

“You promise I'm not going to fall off this thing?” Jo said, holding onto the saddle. It was still warm from where Yaz had been sitting. Jo felt herself tune out what Yaz was saying, completely distracted by the unexpected intimacy of what she was holding. Heat was a funny thing. It seemed to travel all the way from Yaz's thighs, to the seat, then up Jo's arm to her cheeks.

“I promise. I won't let you.” Yaz looked so deadly serious that Jo had to believe her. Jo was a big fan of people who kept their promises, and she had a feeling that Yaz was as good as her word.

Jo wobbled as she got up on the pedals, feeling the brief touch of Yaz’s palm on her lower back as she helped her push off. She could still feel where Yaz had touched her when she returned, wobbling only slightly.

They made small talk as they chained up their bikes and Jo finally realised why she hadn't seen Yaz around.

"I can't believe I didn't realise before. Of course you teach PE!"

Yaz raised an eyebrow. "How do you mean?" Jo winced, detecting a slight edge to Yaz's tone. She opened her mouth without thinking, keen to undo any potential damage, and made a mental note that the topic might be a sensitive one.

"Well, you seem super fit."

 _Nice one_.

"You know. Sporty. Er. Athletic?"

Jo scrunched her face in irritation and Yaz burst out laughing.

"What?" Jo asked, unable to keep a straight face. The sight and sound of Yasmin Khan laughing lightened Jo's spirits.

"I'm surprised you're not a drama teacher with all of the expressions you're pulling," Yaz said, closing the space between them as they walked past a group of students. Jo held her breath as she inhaled the scent of Yaz's shampoo and felt the brush of a toned arm against her own. She felt a solid thud within her chest, a feeling so unfamiliar and alarming that one hand came up to rest over her heart, as if to calm it. Yaz noticed instantly.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her hand reaching out to cup Jo's elbow.

"Yeah," Jo exhaled, but she was not remotely okay. It was as if someone had kick-started her heart, shoving it back into action without her express permission. Her complete loss of control over her spiralling physiological reactions to Yaz's presence was not welcome, and Jo frowned as she realised, too little too late, that she was attracted to Yasmin Khan.

The realisation plagued her all day. Jo drifted through her classes, which, for once, couldn't distract her. She even contemplated going for a run to clear her head, before remembering that her running gear was at home.

Even her elderly neighbour, Phyllis, realised something was wrong.

"Are you alright, dearie?" she asked Jo as they crossed paths in the hallway.

"Oh! Yes, just a long day. A very long day."

Phyllis nodded sagely, and Jo could sense that she was about to launch into a story about her own career as a secretary for one of the local steel firms.

Half an hour later, Jo shut her front door and let her forehead rest against the dark wood for a second. Her home was like a sanctuary, a place where she felt safe and at peace. It was at times like this that Jo was grateful that she lived alone, although more often than not she wished she could come back to someone waiting for her. A warm body in her bed at night. Immediately, her thoughts turned to River.

Shaking her head, Jo shrugged off her backpack and coat, picking up a water bottle from the kitchen counter and filling it.

"Alright, gang? What a day," she murmured as she started to water her plants.

"At least you lot behave. And you don't really make a mess. Or hog the bathroom." Jo ran her fingers along the leaves, a poor imitation of human contact. To admit she was lonely was to admit she was ready to move on, and that was something that Jo was very reluctant to do.

* * *

The following Monday, Jo was settling into her new routine - a read of the Guardian and copious custard creams during her two hour lunch break - when Yaz strolled through the staffroom doors, apparently making a beeline for the kettle. Jo nearly inhaled her biscuit in surprise, hiding behind the newspaper to swallow it properly. As soon as she'd recovered, Jo made a show of folding the newspaper as normally as she could.

“Yaz! What a lovely surprise. Just catching up on world events."

Yaz did a double-take when she saw her, pausing briefly to enquire about the news before continuing towards the kettle. Jo noticed that her features were drawn, and she seemed much more distracted than usual. Almost flat. Jo didn't like to see her so glum - she wanted to see Yaz smile the smile that made her own spirits lift.

“I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you okay? You seem a bit tired,” Jo finally asked. Her first instinct was to reach out and touch Yaz's arm but she reeled it in as quickly as she could. It wouldn't do to get too attached. And it wasn't very professional.

“Ah, yeah. Just couldn't get much sleep last night.”

Jo knew the feeling well. Her own sleep had been broken, and she'd woken with River's name on her lips yet again. A plan formed, one she hoped would help improve Yaz's mood.

“Come on, I'm taking you for a proper coffee.” As Jo reached for the mug in Yaz's hand their fingers brushed, sending a tingle up Jo's arm. She stepped back quickly, depositing the mug in the sink and retrieving her coat, then shoving her hands in her pockets so they could stay out of trouble. If only her thoughts could be corralled so easily.

As before, conversation came easily and Jo was content to follow Yaz to a local coffee shop. She had to pinch herself to realise what was actually happening. Leaving school in the middle of the day to socialise with a woman who had slipped into many of her waking thoughts didn't seem like a particularly good idea, but part of Jo couldn't deny that she enjoyed Yaz's company. A lot. Besides, she needed to make new friends.

Her travel stories were always an ice breaker and Jo relaxed as she regaled Yaz with her adventures. She glossed over the fact that she hadn't been travelling alone, keeping the details as vague as she could. It didn't feel right to discuss River just yet. But when Yaz asked another question, one that caught Jo off guard, she surprised herself by answering honestly.

“Why did you end up travelling for so long?”

Jo toyed with the handle of her mug, realising that she never really talked about her parents, with anybody.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to pry,” Yaz apologised.

“No, it's alright. It's good for me to talk about it.” Jo cleared her throat, rolling her shoulders back. A therapist she had once seen told her that posture could help with all manner of difficult situations.

“My parents, they died when I was finishing up my PhD."

It was a bit rusty, but the essentials were there. Jo kept her expression as neutral as she could while Yaz digested the information.

Yaz gasped. “Oh my god. I'm so sorry,” she said, her hand almost reaching out but drawing back at the last minute. Jo found herself wishing she had followed through. The contact would have been welcome.

“It's ok, honestly, Yaz,” Jo smiled sadly. “I carry them with me, you know. They may be gone from the world, but they're never gone from me.”

It was a line she had said often enough that it no longer hurt, but Yaz's visceral reaction to the words made Jo uneasy. It was as if she was hearing them for the first time herself, and an ache made itself known in her chest, a weight she had forgotten she bore on a daily basis.

So Jo did what she always did in these situations. She focused on the other person.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked, finally letting her hand come to rest on Yaz's forearm. It felt like crossing a line, somehow, but it was the best way she could offer comfort.

“Yeah, I- I'm sorry. I just can't even imagine how that must have felt,” Yaz murmured, unable to make eye contact. “So you travelled?” she cleared her throat, reaching for her empty coffee mug.

When Jo told Yaz about her PhD, she could sense a shift in Yaz's perception of her. The look in her eyes turned from one of sympathy to one of admiration and Jo couldn't help but bask in it a little. When Yaz asked about her experiences of teaching abroad - well, that was like winning the golden ticket. Jo could talk about that until the cows came home.

“Yeah! Wanna see?” Jo jumped out of her seat, instantly perching on the arm of Yaz's chair and completely encroaching on her personal space in her excitement to share her photos. She held as still as she could, not moving closer but also not moving away, trying to make out that the proximity was deliberate. As they flicked through some pictures - the ones with River were saved in a separate album - Jo gasped as she realised the time. It had completely flown, and for once, she didn't want to go back to class.

“Ah! It's nearly one o'clock. Sorry, I have a class in ten minutes.” Jo jumped up from the arm of the chair, already feeling adrift without Yaz beside her.

Yaz sighed and stretched as got out of her chair.

“Yeah, I suppose I should head back, too. But I had a lovely time, thank you for getting me out for a bit,” Yaz smiled.

“Any time, Yaz.”

As they parted ways, Jo realised she truly meant it. In fact, she wanted nothing more than to take Yasmin Khan out again.


	4. A run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eagle-eyed readers might have noticed a new character being added to this...I love Clara, but I know she isn't everyone's cup of tea. Not to worry, though, we all know how this pans out 😉

_October_

Term was flying by, and Jo was having the time of her life. Her classes were engaging, her students were interested and passionate about the subject, and she was starting to feel more at home in Sheffield. The only thing Jo was missing was some good friends in the area; although she'd made progress with several of her colleagues, she knew she needed to find a hobby and make some connections outside of school. Her weekends were full of trips to local museums and exhibitions, even the occasional long walk in the surrounding hills, but Jo knew she'd enjoy the excursions a lot more if she was with a friend or two. She loved to talk to people.

Jo's mind drifted and she wondered what it would be like to spend more time dating in a new city. For once, she let it. Perhaps it was all of the time she crossed paths with Yaz but her realisation that she could, in fact, find a spark with someone new had opened her eyes a little. It had been a long time since she had felt anything like it and the feeling was still novel. But a simple date or two? Where was the harm? Jo knew River would have encouraged a bit of fun.

So, when she saw an advert for a local book club, she knew she was onto a winner. Or so she thought, until she realised the book for discussion was Jane Eyre. Jo was not a fan.

Apparently, someone in the group was a very big fan indeed.

It shouldn't have been surprising that another English teacher would attend, and what Clara Oswald lacked in height she made up for in attitude. As they split into smaller groups to discuss the book, Jo and Clara clashed over whether Mr Rochester really was a romantic figure - a topic that Jo generally tried to avoid like the plague, not being a big fan of romance stories in general - and Clara instantly picked up on her dislike of the subject.

Jo felt a frisson of excitement run through her during their friendly debate, and she was sure she saw a gleam of enjoyment in Clara's expression, too. The other group members faded into the background while Jo and Clara came back with increasingly pithy retorts.

"He leads Jane on the entire time!" Jo was refusing to budge on the matter. Leading people on was a pet peeve of hers.

"Only to be sure that she loves him back," Clara retorted.

Jo rolled her eyes, and was about to respond when the leader of their group used the pause to interject.

"Ladies, we've run out of time."

Jo and Clara both turned to look at him simultaneously, then each other when their glares made him shrink back. Clara smiled at Jo almost devilishly, and Jo realised she hadn't been challenged so much since she'd been with River.

Once the meeting had concluded and people were milling about over drinks, Jo was pleased to find Clara heading straight for her. Her grip on her beer bottle tightened in anticipation of continued debate.

"I should apologise," Clara started, a wry grin on her face. She was very pretty, Jo noticed. "I get a bit defensive over my choices."

"Ahh it all makes sense now - you suggested we read it?" Jo took a sip of her beer, hoping the alcohol would help smooth this interaction. It was obvious that Clara was fiercely intelligent, something Jo always found immensely appealing.

"Mm," Clara nodded, mirroring Jo and taking a healthy swig of wine. "I thought I should introduce myself properly, given how hard a time I gave you. And maybe buy you a drink to make up for it?"

Suddenly, Jo balked. Clara's gaze was warm and penetrating, and now that the book was no longer being discussed, Jo found herself lost for words. She realised that talking about a book she disliked was still far easier than talking about herself to a virtual stranger.

Clara smiled softly at her, sensing mild panic.

"Hey, can't blame a girl for trying. Maybe some other time?"

Jo nodded gratefully.

"Some other time, yeah," she murmured. As Clara brushed past her, she briefly ran her hand down Jo's upper arm, giving her perfume enough time to drift up and infiltrate Jo's senses.

 _God, she was good_.

After a moment, Jo broke out into a smile at the interaction. It was painfully obvious that she was very out of practice at flirting, but it was a huge boost to know that someone might find her attractive. And some harmless flirting wouldn't necessarily lead anywhere.

* * *

One autumn morning, Jo was pedaling leisurely to work when she saw a very familiar figure ahead of her. That green bike, that dark hair - that very toned backside. Jo tutted loudly, then realised she was being far too harsh on herself. She couldn't help but notice that Yaz was very easy on the eye, and she was only human. The limits and boundaries Jo had put up for herself were slowly easing away thanks to a concerted effort to embrace her new life. It was almost a feeling of relief, to acknowledge that she could move on with her life after everything that had happened.

“Morning, Yaz!” Jo called out, ringing her bike bell to announce her arrival. “Fancy seeing you here.”

Both of them laughed as they spoke over one another, like they couldn't wait to talk. Jo certainly couldn't. She fielded several questions from Yaz as they cycled and marvelled at how easily the conversation flowed. Except that at every light, Jo was still trying to catch her breath while Yaz seemed as cool as a cucumber. It was infuriating.

“I really need to get back into shape," she panted, thinking aloud.

“You seem in pretty good shape to me,” Yaz replied, and Jo did a double take when she saw the look of alarm that flitted across Yaz's face. Had Yaz been checking her out?

“I used to run, before. Need to get back into it,” Jo said, breezing over Yaz's observation like it didn't make her feel warm and fuzzy inside. Jo hated to conform to stereotypes but sporty women could often be inclined...a certain way, and deep down she hoped that Yaz fell into that category.

All these thoughts she had been having about Yaz were slowly wearing down Jo's resistance to the idea that she found the other woman attractive. But it ran deeper than a simple attraction: if Jo had been the same age as her students, she might have called it a crush. Try as she might to ignore it, Jo was learning to accept that that was just the way it was going to be. She shook her head as she belatedly realised Yaz was talking; these internal monologues were very distracting.

“Oh! I love to run," Yaz said. "I can point out some nice routes, if you like?”

Jo nodded. “D'ya wanna come with me? My sense of direction is terrible, and I'm no doubt going to fall over something, and get lost-”

“Yes,” Yaz smiled. “I'll take you out.”

Jo tried not to laugh at the second flash of panic she'd witnessed on Yaz's face in the span of ten minutes and found it surprisingly endearing when Yaz started rambling.

“On a run. Yeah, I know a good route that you'll like, nothing too strenuous.”

They had reached the school and for once, Jo wished she didn't have to go to work. “I'll hold you to that,” she said instead. “And I'll see you later?”

* * *

When they did manage to run together, Jo made a point of running and talking as fast as she could. Her competitive streak came to the fore and she knew she had to make up for being so slow on her bike. That, and struggling to breathe was a very good distraction from the sight of Yaz's bare arms, which were toned and strong. Jo wondered what they would feel like wrapped around her.

 _Jesus_.

Making a mental note to have a cold shower when they got back to the school, Jo used the opportunity to quiz Yaz more about her life. About how she'd got into teaching, what she'd studied at university - everything but the one question she desperately wanted to ask.

_Are you single?_

But Yaz hadn't asked her either, and it felt imprudent to be so bold. Jo felt like she was dancing around the issue, which was a frustratingly safe approach. But it certainly did make life interesting.

Jo was disappointed to see the school emerge in the distance, realising that her time with Yaz was up. They were creeping towards friendship of a sort, but Jo wanted more. She knew that, now. She wanted to see Yaz outside of school, to get to know her as more than a colleague whom she occasionally crossed paths with. But therein lay the problem - the closer she got to Yaz, the more she opened herself up to potential hurt. It was safer to stay friends, and besides, Yaz probably wasn't even interested in her. Jo felt her heart sink as they finished the run and she kept quiet while they stretched, gathering her thoughts.

But when Yaz turned to her, beaming, it was infectious. Jo grinned back, still exhilarated after the exercise.

“That was awesome!" Jo tried to slow her heart rate as she pushed open the door to the changing rooms.

Yaz turned away to get changed, quickly wrapping herself in a towel so as not to reveal too much skin. Jo turned away herself, keenly aware that Yasmin Khan was getting undressed behind her. If only she could turn around.

Distracted by her thoughts, Jo dropped her own clothes to the floor without thinking. One of the best parts about being with River was the confidence she had given Jo about her own body. Jo smiled at the memories as she gathered her things for the shower, and when she turned back, she realised that Yaz was facing her once more and quite openly staring. After a second, Yaz averted her gaze, but the delay was obvious. Jo felt her face grow warm as she picked up her towel.

 _Definitely in need of a cold shower now_.

She hummed as she got in, trying to ignore the images flashing through her head as she heard the neighbouring shower come to life. It was alarming to think that a simple partition separated their naked bodies.

Inevitably, Jo thought of Yaz in the shower. Naked. Water running all over her toned muscles as she washed herself, eyes closed and head tilted back into the water to expose her neck.

 _Shit_.

Jo stuck her head under the tap, turning down the temperature and hoping the shock of cold water would stop her racing thoughts. Her imagination was far too vivid, sometimes.

It didn't work. Now, Jo wondered what it would be like to shower with Yaz. To feel warm hands on her skin, touching her everywhere. Wet skin against her own. Bare breasts touching hers. An assured hand between her legs. Her thoughts spiralled, rapidly.

 _Double shit_.

Jo was screwed.

 


	5. A house party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get complicated...

It was dark when Jo awoke. The days were getting shorter, and Jo was mourning the end of summer. Winter was her least favourite time of year, for several reasons, but the darker mornings merely added insult to injury.

She fumbled with her phone, checking the time - 4:30 - and rolling onto her back with a huff. The remnants of her dream gradually ebbed away but there was no way she could get back to sleep, not after that particular nightmare. Jo folded her hands carefully, resting them on her chest as she let her thoughts meander.

Yasmin Khan hovered at the edges, and it was only a matter of time before Jo admitted defeat and let herself think about the other woman. She pictured Yaz in her mind’s eye and felt herself relax instantly; the thought of her clearly made her happy. But half-term was coming up, and she wasn’t going to see Yaz for a week. Given the way Yaz had looked at her in the changing rooms the other day, Jo wondered if there really was something going on between them. Would she embrace it if there was? Should she be more proactive? Was she even ready for another relationship?

The last question stumped her. River had been her last serious relationship, and the wounds from the fallout were still fresh. The thin sheen of sweat coating her skin stood testament to that. Jo sighed, then scrubbed at her face in annoyance. She imagined a scenario in which she confessed her feelings to Yaz and they were unrequited. Even the thought of that hurt, so Jo couldn’t begin to imagine what it would be like to navigate a breakup.

Because everything had to end at some point, and Jo hated endings. Her whole life had been full of them, abrupt and brutal and completely unfair. It was much, much safer to be alone, not open herself up to hurt in the same way that she had with River. She needed to protect herself because, ultimately, nobody else would.

Train of thought successfully derailed, Jo got out of bed and geared herself up for the day.

* * *

Thankfully, Jo’s day contained one of her favourite classes, a group of students that she was reading King Lear with. As a general rule, Jo tried to avoid reading tragic literature because she had seen enough tragedy in her own life - but she made an exception for Shakespeare. Which was lucky, really, because the A-level syllabus was full of his work.

One of her brightest students, a boy named Jack, had made a very intelligent point about the moral ambiguity of some of the characters. As Jo started to respond with her own observations, she caught sight of someone in her peripheral vision, a figure hovering by the classroom door. The person hadn’t knocked so she didn’t stop the class, merely finished making her point before turning to look directly at them.

Jo felt the air leave her lungs in a rush as she gazed straight at Yaz, who was listening to her every word. She smiled, holding up her hand to ensure Yaz stayed put while she wrapped up the class. Many of her students stopped at her desk to say goodbye on their way out of the room, and she earnestly wished every single one a good half-term break. Eventually, though, the stream of students stopped, and it was just the two of them.

Yaz seemed on edge, and Jo wondered what was wrong. Yaz had never come to find her at school, never mind come to her classroom, so her curiosity was piqued. When Yaz invited her to a house party, Jo was secretly thrilled that Yaz had suggested they meet up outside of school hours.

“I'd love to. When is it? Where is it?” Jo tried to reign in her enthusiasm and failed miserably.

“It's probably easiest if I text you the details,” Yaz replied, and Jo opened her mouth without thinking.

“Oh, I see. Is this your way of getting my number?”

Yaz looked panicked and Jo felt guilty, knowing she’d probably pushed things a bit too far.

“I'm just joking, Yaz. Here, give me your phone.”

With a promise that they would text to arrange a plan, Jo felt her mood brighten. Her half-term wasn’t going to be Yaz-less, after all. The thought put a spring in her step for the rest of the day.

* * *

However, when the night of the party actually rolled around, Jo found herself to be inexplicably nervous. She had suggested that Yaz come to her flat so that they could travel to the party together, which Yaz had agreed to - but now, knowing that she was expecting a visitor, Jo took a look at her flat from a fresh perspective and realised that she needed to restore order to the chaos. Her flat wasn’t messy, as such - just a bit haphazard. Several books lay half-read on her coffee table beside a stack of out-of-date newspapers with half-completed crosswords. Her guitar was sitting on the armchair, and her work bag took up the other space on the couch, making it very clear that she rarely had people round.  

Jo took one look at the pile of unopened boxes and shrugged, pushing them into the spare room. She took a swig of wine to steady her nerves and lit some incense to try and help her relax. But her efforts to tidy had taken longer than expected and she had only just got out of the shower when the doorbell went.

She strode to the door in her towel, buzzing Yaz in and calling down directions, leaving the front door off the latch. As she rummaged in her drawers for something appropriate to wear, she heard Yaz cross the threshold.

“Jo?”

“Just finishing getting ready, sorry to be so late. Make yourself at home, I won't be a minute.”

Jo grimaced as she stripped off the third shirt she’d pulled on. She wished she’d given her outfit some more thought but it was too late to overthink it. Instead, she hoiked up some skinny jeans, looking at herself in the mirror. Jo was not a vain person by any means, but she found herself caring about how she looked tonight. She smiled self-consciously when she realised she’d gone for the clingiest pair of jeans she owned but they made her bum look great, so she allowed it.

_River had always liked these jeans._

Jo shook her head, wishing she’d brought her wine with her to get ready. Then she realised how bad a host she was being, and stuck her head out of the bedroom door, making sure to keep her bra-clad upper half hidden from view.

“Would you like a drink?” she asked Yaz.

“I'm not really a big drinker,” Yaz called back.

Jo couldn’t help but stick her head out more, intrigued.

“Oh?”

She bit back a smile when she saw what Yaz was wearing - something fairly similar to her own outfit.

“Yeah, just...habit, I guess. My family are fairly observant.”

Jo nodded, mentally kicking herself for not thinking about it. She was keen to continue the conversation and almost fully emerged from the bedroom half-dressed so she could talk to Yaz, but the other woman prompted her to continue getting ready.

“Carry on, I don't want to distract you,” Yaz smiled.

Jo grinned back. “Not a distraction, Yaz.”

Eager to resume their conversation, Jo shoved on her favourite band t-shirt and left the bedroom, feeling comfortable and confident. Her nerves had abated now that Yaz was actually here, and she was interested to see how the evening would pan out. It didn’t hurt that Yaz did a double-take when she emerged.

“You look nice,” Yaz said, and Jo let the compliment sit there for a moment, before leading Yaz onto a discussion about her family and where they lived. The conversation ran onto several other topics, like Yaz’s hobbies outside of work, what she liked to read, and her favourite music.

“I didn’t peg you as a guitar player,” Yaz said. “Or know that you could speak multiple languages.”

“Ah, well I’m a bit rusty. At all of it,” Jo said, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She’d forgotten what it was like to share something of herself with another person, especially one she was attracted to. Suddenly she didn’t want to talk about herself at all.

“I bet you’re not,” Yaz challenged, taking a sip of her tea. “Something tells me you’re good at lots of things.”

There was an undercurrent to Yaz’s words. A moment passed, and they looked at each other without speaking.

_Say something._

An incoming text on Yaz’s phone broke the silence. It was from Ryan, asking where they were, and Jo was shocked to find that 90 minutes had passed in the blink of an eye.

“Whoops, that’ll be me chattering on again,” Jo said, getting to her feet and eyeing up her leather jacket. She wondered what Yaz would make of it and turned to watch her reaction as she slid it on. When she saw Yaz give her a once-over, she bit back a smile. There was no way Yaz was straight.

* * *

Their conversation flowed easily all the way to Ryan’s house, where Jo finally got to meet Yaz’s best friend at work. She liked him immediately. But Jo didn’t stray too far from Yaz’s side, reluctant to sacrifice an opportunity to spend time with her.

After a few hours, though, she noticed that Yaz had drifted towards the kitchen while she was telling a story. It was after eleven, and Jo wondered if she might be ready to head home. When she saw Yaz talking with Ryan, she relaxed. There was a mild commotion at the door as a few more people arrived, but Jo paid them no mind as she continued to talk. When she finished telling her story, thoroughly enjoying the laughter that it invoked, she let her gaze drift back to the kitchen - but Yaz was no longer there. Jo looked around the room, trying to figure out where she’d gone. Surely she'd have said if she was going home? Her eyes scanned the room, trying to find Yaz.

When she found her, she wished she hadn’t looked.

Yaz was talking to a woman that Jo had never seen before. Ryan was there, too, talking to another girl, but it was Yaz who drew Jo's eye. The two of them were standing ever so close together, and Jo felt her stomach sink when Yaz briefly let her hand come to rest on the other woman’s arm. She was beautiful, Jo noticed, especially when she laughed at something Yaz said and looked at her the way she did.

Yaz might not have been straight, but that didn't make much difference if she wasn't single. Excusing herself from the conversation, she headed towards the kitchen and another glass of wine.

“Jo, right?”

A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, which were spiralling unpleasantly. Jo turned around, taken aback by the sight of none other than Clara Oswald behind her. Apparently she'd been one of the late arrivals.

“Right,” she breathed. “Clara.”

“I was about to offer you that drink,” Clara said, eyeing the bottle in Jo’s hand.

Jo looked at it too, then laughed, surprising herself.

“Does it count if I already have one in my hand?”

Clara didn’t answer, and simply relieved Jo of the bottle. “It does if I pour one for you.”

She turned, looking for a clean glass, and Jo watched with amusement as she made a show of pouring a very large glass of wine, twirling the bottle with a flourish before pouring one for herself.

“To free wine,” Clara said, handing Jo her glass and then raising her own in a toast.

“To free wine,” Jo echoed, watching Clara as she took a sip.

Before she could open her mouth to start talking, Clara beat her to it. She was easy to talk to, and completely disarming. And very, very pretty. Jo forgot where she was, or why she’d wanted another drink in the first place, and instead learned all about Clara Oswald.

But when she saw Yaz was still talking to the mystery woman, she slumped against the kitchen counter. Clara noticed her change in posture and considered her carefully.

“I’m a bit tired of standing. Would you like to take this somewhere more comfortable?”

The brazen request would normally have sent Jo reeling, but the wine and the easy conversation had lowered her guard. Clara's confidence was alluring. Taking one final glance at Yaz, who seemed to have forgotten all about her, Jo nodded. 

“Yeah,” she said. “Yeah. I’d like that."


	6. A complication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, serious note here: this chapter contains allusions to death and there is a lot of kinda heavy stuff relating to grief. If this is not something you feel comfortable reading, you may wish to skip this chapter (and come find me and I can fill you in on the main bits of the plot if you like 🙂 - just skip to the end notes)

Fast-moving traffic surrounded her. Cars, mopeds, rickshaws - all of them created a cacophony of sound that had Jo turning in circles, trying to focus. The air was smoggy and choked her, a toxic cloud that she couldn’t escape. Her feet were immobile, unwilling to move. Panic set in. There was no thought process, no logic to follow: just a knowledge that resided so deep down that Jo knew it to be true. She needed to find River as a matter of urgency.

Eventually, as always, she did find her. Except this time River was looking right at her, as if she'd been waiting. This never normally happened; Jo’s brain seemed to protect her from the very worst of these dreams, waking her up before she could see too much. Not this time.

Jo knew the look well. It was a piercing gaze, one that said, _I know you, and I know what you're thinking right this very second_. It hadn't taken River long to learn how to read Jo like a book, and nobody had come close to doing it since. But The Look was tinged with sadness, as if River knew it would be the last time she would ever look at Jo. In a way, it was, one final glance repeated ad infinitum in Jo's dreams. A recurring nightmare.

That familiar band of pressure started to tighten around Jo’s chest, her breaths coming in fits and starts. All she wanted to do was move, but her body felt like it was made of lead. She felt useless, completely helpless. She knew exactly what was about to happen, despite never having seen it, and dread settled in her very bones. Once again, her brain had filled in the blanks. This evening, her imagination was being particularly cruel.

River mouthed something at her, but Jo couldn’t hear it above the noise of the cars. Then, she blew Jo a kiss and stepped into the traffic, disappearing from view.  

The band that held Jo in place suddenly loosened and she felt her body move out of control, jolting upright.

 _Fuck_.

All she could hear was her own breathing, harsh in her ears; the thud of her heart and her blood pounding as it reassured her that she was very much alive.

The room was pitch black, and it took Jo a few moments to remember where she was. She normally slept with a light on somewhere, in case of situations such as these. Her head was banging and her mouth tasted sour, either from too much wine or from bile that seemed to be rising in response to the dream.

There was the soft sound of breathing and another puzzle piece fell into place. Someone was there with her, and Jo froze, completely at a loss. The person shifted, apparently still asleep and undisturbed by Jo’s nightmare. It had been a while since she’d shared a bed with someone.

Jo sat still for a few more moments, trying to get her bearings. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she realised that the person in bed with her had dark hair, and was much shorter than she was. All of a sudden, the lightbulb switched on.

 _Clara_.

With the realisation, snippets of the previous evening came rushing back to her. Jo felt her heart racing, in tumult from the barrage of unfamiliar and all-too-familiar emotions that came crashing down around her simultaneously. She swung her legs out of bed, hoping that the touch of solid ground beneath her feet would help ground her. It did, a little, and she rested her arms on her knees, letting her head fall into the cradle her hands formed. She could feel her pulse thundering at her temple and nausea made her queasy.

Jo tried to remember what had happened the night before, to make sense of how she’d ended up here. There was a taxi ride with Clara to her flat, a warm hand resting on her knee for the journey. She could smell Clara’s perfume lingering, a scent that was at once comforting and also overwhelming.

They had stumbled through the door, Jo realised, feeling the beginnings of a bruise at her hip. Her hand drifted up towards her lips. They had definitely kissed. Clara Oswald was a good kisser. In fact, they’d kissed at the front door, pressed up against it like teenagers. The kissing had been nice, and fun, but when Clara’s hands had drifted underneath Jo’s t-shirt, she had frozen.

“Are you okay?” Clara whispered against her lips, immediately removing her hand. Jo tried to get her breathing under control.

“Yeah, it’s just...fast. Very fast.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Clara said, taking a step back. Jo’s body mourned the loss, but her mind appreciated the space.

“Nothing to apologise for,” Jo insisted. “I just...it’s been a while.” She blushed at the admission.

"There's no pressure," Clara had said. "Besides, I kind of hoped I'd see you again after tonight."

Jo didn't answer, unsure of precisely what she wanted. She was still feeling off-kilter from the dream and from the path the night had taken, which was so very different to what she had originally expected, or wanted. Her body was screaming at her to let someone touch her, to relieve some of the tension that was making her almost rigid with anticipation. She just wished it had been Yaz.

"Come on," Clara said, tugging her towards her bedroom.

They had slept. Nothing more. Before they slept, Jo remembered talking about whatever popped into their heads, slowly getting used to the idea of sharing a bed with someone again. The sheets felt unfamiliar but Clara's bed was cosy. Safe.

Jo almost jumped out of her skin at the feel of a hand on her back. Her t-shirt was clinging to her skin but Clara was unfazed.

"You're okay." Clara's voice was quiet, a little rough with sleep. "I was calling your name but you didn't respond."

"Sorry," Jo muttered, her breaths still coming fast. "Bad dream." The admission was novel, and liberating. She'd never told anybody before.

"You're shaking," Clara observed, frowning in concern. "I'll get you a change of clothes."

Jo winced when Clara turned on the bedside light, her eyes raw. She was so tired. Sleep seemed to elude her on an almost daily basis now. Clara reappeared in front of her, pyjamas in hand, her gaze as soft as the clothing looked.

"Did you want a hand? Or I can leave you to it," she offered. Jo knew she should accept the help, but something stopped her.

"I'm good. Thanks." She tried a smile. It felt foreign.

If Clara was disappointed, she hid it well.

"I'll just go and make us some tea."

* * *

"Do you have dreams like that often?" Clara asked, handing her a steaming mug. Jo was learning that Clara was straight to the point, but she did it in a way that was completely disarming.

"Honestly? Yes," Jo said, settling herself on the couch. She surprised herself with the answer, putting it down to the unusual situation. It wasn't often that Jo found herself drinking tea with a beautiful woman at three in the morning.

"I heard you say something in your sleep, over and over. I hope you don't mind me asking, but...you kept talking about a river? Is that what you're dreaming about?"

Jo shook her head, staring into her mug. She looked up at the gentle touch of a hand on her wrist.

"Sorry. I'll stop asking."

Jo sighed. Clara deserved at least some element of the truth, especially since she'd been awoken in the middle of the night.

"River is...was...a person."

Jo risked a look at Clara's face and saw nothing but complete understanding reflected back at her.

"Let me guess, someone you loved?"

Jo nodded, feeling her lower lip start to wobble. This was so hard. It was much easier to keep these feelings buried, as much as they weighed her down.

"You don't have to tell me, Jo. But if it helps, I think I know how you feel. I lost someone, too. His name was Danny."

Clara took a deep breath, her smile watery.

"He was hit by a car and died. These are his pyjamas, actually," Clara said, clearly trying to lighten the mood as she gestured to her oversized t-shirt.

The parallels with her own experience of tragedy made Jo inhale sharply. _What were the odds?_

"The more you talk about it, the easier it gets. I promise." Clara took a sip of her tea as her gaze drifted into the middle distance. For someone so young, Jo thought, she sounded much older. Grief had a way of ageing people. Jo felt like she could easily be two thousand years old.

"I guess that's true. But talking about it...that just makes it too real, sometimes," Jo admitted. Talking to Clara was surprisingly easy. Perhaps Clara was onto something; Jo would have to make more of an effort at opening up to people, she realised. She could only push them away so many times and despite the discomfort, it was also a relief to tell Clara how she felt. She was sharing her burden.

"It hurts," Jo blurted, the words sounding broken as they fell out of her mouth. Two simple words that meant so much. Jo felt that familiar dull ache blossom in her chest as she spoke the words aloud, like they were somehow linked. Mind and body tied together by the weight of guilt and grief.

She absently wiped at her eyes with her free hand, tea sloshing out of her mug. She barely felt the hot water hit her skin, only belatedly noticing Clara easing the mug from her hand and putting it on the coffee table. Then she turned back to take Jo's hands in her own. Jo couldn't remember the last time she'd held hands with someone that wasn't River.  

"It's okay to move on, Jo," Clara said. "River will always, always be a part of you, but that doesn't mean you can't let someone else in. There is room for someone else in there, I know it. You have too big a heart to keep that under wraps."

Clara bit her lip as she raised her hand, letting it hover over Jo's heart as if to emphasise her point. There was a slight tremble to it, and Jo realised that Clara was just as uncertain as she was. It was oddly reassuring that someone as seemingly confident as Clara Oswald was also nervous. Perhaps their experiences of grief had made it harder for them both to be vulnerable.

Despite the red flag that was screaming at Jo for attention, she knew it was time to be brave. She couldn't live her life in fear any longer. This was a turning point.

She reached out, laying her hand on top of Clara's and gently pulling it to her chest. At the first contact, she watched Clara's face for a sign of disapproval. But all she saw was Clara's dilated pupils gazing at her mouth.

"Are you sure?" Clara asked, the question at once vague and painfully obvious.

Jo didn't give her brain time to respond; instead, she leaned over and kissed Clara soundly, keeping her hand firmly over Clara's and, after a while, encouraging it to one side. She gasped when she felt Clara boldly cup her breast, an ache between her legs suddenly making itself known. But this was a completely different kind of ache to the one in her heart - one that could be remedied in a much easier, simpler way.

 _What are you doing?_ Her mind screamed at her. Jo resolutely ignored it.

"I'm sure," she said instead, letting her eyes slide shut as Clara pushed her back onto the cushions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who follows me on Tumblr - this isn't the angsty smut I'm referring to in this morning's post....that's coming 😉  
> For anyone not following me on Tumblr, come say hi! @maglex. Or you can email me, my Gmail is in my profile here.


	7. A development

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just laying the groundwork for angsty smut....to follow in the next chapter, which will be long to make up for this brief one 🙂 as always, come find me on Tumblr (maglex) if you want to chat...I love to chat.
> 
> I want to take this opportunity to give a big shout out to TheRainbowFox for being a wonderful beta and for giving me such joy with her own writing. Please go and check it out!

Jo couldn't help herself. She knew she should roll over and try to sleep, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from Clara’s peaceful face. Sleep was a very private thing, a time when you were most vulnerable to the world at large because you were blissfully unaware. Well, that was the theory. Jo hadn't slept properly in years and she found herself being a little jealous of Clara's ability to sleep so easily.

Despite being bone-tired and physically drained - her aching wrist would attest to that - Jo was far too wired to sleep. Sleeping with someone new, whether in the more biblical sense or as they lay now, was thrilling and terrifying. It was like she'd opened a Pandora's box of emotions, and Jo realised why she'd been so hesitant to even crack open the lid. What they'd done - whatever they meant to one another, from here on in - the fact remained that they had actually done something together. For better or worse. She couldn't take it back.

As if she'd overheard Jo's thoughts, Clara shifted, pulling the sheets up to her chin. Jo watched as her nose wrinkled. It was pretty adorable, really, so she started cataloguing the mannerisms that characterised Clara Oswald. It was hard not to. Clara had reminded her of how it felt to simply feel, as if she'd turned the volume up on the world and painted it in technicolour. It was something of a gift, one that Jo wasn't sure she was worthy of. Especially when she thought about the events that had brought her here. She wasn't a big believer in fate, but something seemed to be pulling (or pushing) Clara into her life. Jo contemplated if she'd even be there, in Clara's bed, had she not seen Yaz talking to someone so intimately. Had it really been that intimate of a discussion, though? Or had wine clouded her judgment?

With a mild sense of panic, Jo reached for her phone, trying not to pull the sheets and wake the other occupant of the bed. The screen lit up the dark of the room and she cupped her hand around it, as if ashamed to be caught looking. It  _ did _ feel a little wrong to be thinking about Yaz when she was in bed with another woman.

When she saw that there were no text messages from Yaz, Jo felt empty. She supposed she felt relief, but also a tinge of disappointment.

"Too early," Clara mumbled next to her, and Jo dropped the phone in surprise. It clattered onto the hardwood floor.

"And definitely too early for that," Clara grumbled.

"Sorry," Jo murmured, freely abandoning her phone to the floor.

"S'ok. You can make it up to me," Clara smiled, her eyes still closed. She held out her arms and Jo obliged, sliding into the warmth of Clara's body. The sheet still separated their skin and Jo was grateful for the pretence of modesty.

"You feel tense," Clara said after a moment.

Jo bit back a sigh. "I- yeah. Sorry. This is still a bit new."

She felt a kiss on the top of her head. "No apologies, remember? Try to relax. You should sleep, if you can. You didn’t get much."

Jo willed herself to stay calm, to imagine the arms around her weren't keeping her in place but keeping her safe. With effort, she pushed all thoughts of Yaz from her mind.

"Last night was fun, by the way," Clara said after a beat, her voice low.

"Mm," Jo breathed against the soft skin of Clara's neck.

"Did you want to do it again sometime?"

Clara spoke into the room, giving Jo some time to mull the question over. It was a big question, heavy with the weight of expectation.

Jo didn't reply, and kissed Clara's collarbone instead.

"Cat got your tongue?" Clara huffed, letting loose a breathy sigh when Jo's lips moved up to her neck, parting over her fluttering pulse.

"For the time being," Jo demurred, before putting her mouth to better use.

* * *

It transpired that Clara was a good distraction, to the point where Jo stopped thinking about Yaz quite so much. Over the course of the weekend, Yaz would pop into her thoughts every now and again, only to be sidelined when Jo’s phone notified her that she'd received a text from Clara Oswald.

But it didn't stop Jo from feeling a little flutter when she bumped into Yaz in the bike sheds on Monday morning. She had to laugh, really. In spite of everything that had happened, the developments over the weekend, rational thought still fled when she was near Yasmin Khan. Jo watched Yaz bending over her bike, apparently chaining it up. It was clear her presence had gone unnoticed. Then, Yaz did something that took Jo by surprise. She stopped what she was doing and stared off into the distance. Jo realised she was now intruding and thought it best to make her presence known.

"Penny for 'em," she said, holding her hands up in a placatory gesture as Yaz jumped.

“Hey,” Yaz muttered, passing the padlock from hand to hand. It was obvious something was wrong, so Jo decided to rise above her hurt feelings and make life easier for them both. She injected some positivity into her tone, determined to lighten the mood and move things on.

“So, I had a great time on Friday! Thank you for inviting me, it was nice to make some new friends. Even ended up with someone's number!”

“That's nice," Yaz mumbled, turning back to her bike. Jo could see the tension in her shoulders. There was a general aura of unhappiness surrounding her, and Jo found herself at a loss for what to do. Yaz was normally a lot more talkative than this. She was proving very hard to read, especially with her face turned away. Jo grew concerned.

“Are you okay, Yaz? You seem a bit quiet.”

“Yeah, I-I'm sorry, I just have to go.” Yaz walked off without another word, which was completely out of character. It would be the last Jo saw of her for days.

Days that seemed to drag, despite the corner Jo had turned with Clara's help. Her good mood from the weekend deflated as more time passed without word from Yaz. Especially when she didn't see her on their commute, or in the staffroom at their usual times. Yaz was avoiding her, but she had no idea why.

Jo wondered if she had said or done something to upset Yaz, but couldn't think of a single thing. If anything, she had tried to act like nothing was wrong when really, she was still reeling from the fallout of Ryan's house party.

After three days, Jo had had enough. They were two grown women and she refused to let their blossoming friendship fall by the wayside. After mentally cataloguing all of their interactions, Jo came to the conclusion that she really had done nothing wrong. And although she was disappointed that things might not go any further with Yaz, she refused to let their friendship die. A trip to the cinema was something friends did, and an idea popped into her head. She fired off a casual text to Yaz, hoping she would respond. But when she suggested they go and see a film, Yaz's reply came out of the blue.

_ Why don't you take your new friend? _

Where had that come from? Yaz's text sounded almost petty. If Jo didn't know any better, it sounded like Yaz was jealous. She decided to test her theory.

_ Who? _

_ From the party. _

Jo bit her lip. Yaz  _ was _ jealous. But what was she jealous of? Given the way in which she'd abandoned her the other night, it didn't make sense. Jo's thumbs hovered over the screen, typing and deleting and re-typing her response several times over. She tried to aim for casual and was pretty impressed with what she came up with.

_ Oh her! I just wanted to see you. We haven't seen each other all week. I miss my friend! _

Okay. So that might have taken things a bit too far. Yaz didn't reply for a few minutes and Jo filled the silence with her favourite emojis, refusing to let Yaz off the hook.

_ Ok, ok. Tomorrow? _

Jo broke out into a grin. This was going to be interesting.

_ You make it sound like I'm twisting your arm, Yaz. I'll see you at the gates. _


	8. A mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the angsty smut train 👍

_November_

Jo realised the flaw in her plan when she forgot to specify a time to meet Yaz after school. She had been counting down the minutes all day and as soon as her last class ended she hurried to the gates, shoving her belongings into her backpack en route. She didn’t want to be late, after all. Hurriedly, she flung her rainbow scarf around her neck, hoping it would keep out the worst of the chill.

Inevitably, Yaz didn’t arrive for another half hour. Jo started to wonder if she was coming at all, but kept her phone resolutely in her pocket. Luckily, she could kill some time talking to her students, many of whom stopped to say hello on their way home. Still, it was freezing cold, and Jo’s nose had turned pink by the time Yaz finally turned up, announcing her arrival with a tap on Jo’s shoulder.

Jo couldn’t help herself, hugely relieved to see Yaz hadn’t reconsidered their plans after all.

“There you are!” she smiled. Or at least, she thought she smiled. Her face felt a bit numb.

Yaz still seemed a little down, Jo thought. They made idle conversation as they started walking into town, and Jo was delighted to get a laugh out of Yaz with her suggestion of what to eat for dinner. Really, ice cream was the last thing on earth she wanted to eat given how ice-like she felt, but she hoped the idea might draw Yaz out of herself.

“What? It’s freezing!” Yaz chuckled, and Jo felt warmth blossom in her chest. Perhaps this was the cure to hypothermia.

“Go on, live a little. Dessert for dinner. It’ll be fun!”

Yaz had given in, stopping to send a text. Jo made a deliberate point of not looking. She had a feeling Yaz was texting someone she didn’t want to know about. Like the girl from the party.

“What are you doing that for?” Yaz frowned when she saw Jo’s upturned chin.

“Wouldn’t want you to think I was snooping,” Jo said, simply. Then she tried to switch topics. “Although I am going to ask you what’s bothering you.”

Yaz had deflected this line of questioning entirely and Jo took the hint.

“You know what? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay. I just want you to know that you _can_ talk to me. About anything.”

Jo felt like a hypocrite. Not only did she not want to know everything, she wasn’t sure she would be so honest or upfront with Yaz if their positions were reversed. Still, she wanted to get to the bottom of why Yaz was being so distant with her. No doubt it was going to come to a head at some point, or their friendship would fall by the wayside. And the latter was not an option to Jo. She couldn’t imagine a world without Yaz in it, even if they were only ever destined to be friends.

“You should have considered a career as a therapist,” Yaz finally said. Jo wasn't sure if she was serious so she deflected.

“Pah, me? I think my clients would leave after one session and never come back. I talk far too much.”

“I dunno, I think it's one of the nicest things about you,” Yaz replied. “You're so easy to talk to.”

The unexpected compliment took Jo by complete surprise. She faltered and a silence grew between them. Yaz filled it.

“So, where are we getting ice cream on this lovely November evening?”

“I know just the place. Do you trust me?”

After a beat, Yaz nodded. Jo smiled as her plan fell into place.    

"Brilliant. I promise, Yaz, you won't regret it."

* * *

It only occurred to Jo that what they were doing would be considered a date when she pushed open the door to an empty ice cream parlour. When she had been here previously, she’d sat at the counter; the booths had been full of couples. But now they had the place to themselves, it didn’t make sense to sit anywhere but a booth. Jo hesitated, wondering if it would be weird to sit next to Yaz. She was still cold and it would be nice to sit close together to warm up, but she would never admit it. Letting Yaz sit first, Jo plonked herself on the seat opposite, pretending to scrutinise the menu but knowing already what she was going to order.

Despite being the only customers, Jo paid no mind to the surroundings. All she could focus on was Yaz as she scanned the menu, pondering her choices.

“What are you thinking?” Yaz asked, not taking her eyes from the page.

“Triple scoop banana sundae. With extra sprinkles,” Jo replied instantly and Yaz looked up with a laugh.

“Something tells me you’ve been here before,” she said, eyebrow raised. “Why don’t you pick for me?”

“With pleasure,” Jo smiled, considering her options carefully. When the waiter came to take their order, Yaz burst out laughing when Jo ordered her a knickerbocker glory.

“A what now?”

Jo was horrified. “You’ve never had a knickerbocker glory? Yaz, you’ve been missing out on the finer things in life.”

“With a name like that, I’m not so sure,” Yaz murmured, her foot brushing Jo’s under the table. Jo so desperately wanted to ask what was going on with Yaz but the mood had lightened considerably. They were having fun. It would be a shame to spoil it. Besides, her own life had become so complicated that Jo relished the opportunity to have a good old-fashioned conversation.

When their desserts arrived, Jo inhaled hers. She was still cold but she was a fiend for ice cream, regardless of the weather. Yaz took her time, and had to abandon the remnants, dropping her spoon with a clatter. Jo supposed that Yaz was probably a bit more health-conscious given her profession. Such things didn’t tend to bother Jo, whose metabolism was ridiculously efficient; she chalked it up to surviving on so little sleep.

Jo also couldn’t let ice cream go to waste and helped Yaz finish hers, before realising that Yaz had a tiny smear of chocolate on the side of her mouth. It was barely noticeable.

“Wait a sec,” Jo said, reaching out to wipe it away with her thumb. Without thinking, she stuck the digit in her mouth as Yaz’s jaw dropped. _Whoops_.

Awkwardly, Jo jumped to her feet, trying to move past the unintentionally sexual moment. Perhaps her time with Clara had made her too bold.

But as they stepped outside, Jo couldn’t help but notice that Yaz was shivering and she kicked herself. She could handle being cold, but she didn’t like that Yaz was feeling the effects of the weather. When they found themselves outside the cinema, she tried to warm Yaz up as best she could with a friendly rub of the arm. She could feel the tension in Yaz’s body from the simple contact, but assumed it was from the chill outside.

"Come on, let's get you warmed up," Jo smiled, opening the door for Yaz. There was a pause when Yaz waited for Jo to go through and Jo had to hold back a laugh at how polite they were being.

As they scrutinised the listings, Jo made sure to stand at an appropriate distance from Yaz. This wasn’t a date. This was two friends going to the movies. A good pick-me-up for a sad friend. When she insisted that Yaz chose something that made her happy, though, she hoped that she wouldn’t go for the horror.

Of course, she did.

Jo could only keep up the pretence of being happy with the choice for a short while, terrified within the first five minutes. Instinctively, she gripped onto Yaz’s arm, eventually turning her head into her shoulder at tense moments. Yaz smelled warm, like sandalwood. Jo let her comforting scent surround her. And she refused to let go.

"Are you okay?" Yaz whispered.  

"All good. Just....mildly terrified,” Jo admitted, wincing at the screen on a rare occasion that she’d turned to watch.

"We don't have to watch the rest - we can leave?" Yaz suggested.  

Jo knew Yaz was being nice, but she wasn’t ready to move just yet. She could take the scares if it meant she could be this close to Yaz.

"No way. Just don't move, and I'll be fine."

She felt Yaz relax a little, slouching down in her seat and moving closer towards her as the film progressed. A couple of times, Jo looked up to see Yaz watching her with a soft smile on her face. After the third time, Yaz stopped looking away the moment she was caught, and they regarded each other in the dim light cast off from the screen. Jo could feel Yaz looking at her and risked a few more glances, trying to figure out what on earth was going on between them. She had to stop herself looking after a while because it was getting harder and harder not to lean in and just...kiss Yaz.

When the film ended, Jo was relieved. The tension from the film and from whatever they had been doing was driving her mad. As they reluctantly got to their feet in the raised lights - which broke the spell completely - Jo missed Yaz being so close; her scent still lingered, setting Jo’s heart aflutter. When Yaz lifted Jo's jacket, holding it out for her to slide into, Jo took simple pleasure in the gesture and from the brief touch of Yaz's hand on her shoulder. It was like they were sneaking touches of one another in the most innocent ways.

When it came time to say goodnight, they stood awkwardly in the cold for a long while, apparently reluctant for the night to end.

“I had a great time,” Yaz smiled, almost timidly. Jo inspected her boots. They were acting like teenagers. Jo tried to ignore the way Yaz looked at her mouth, keeping her own gaze firmly fixed on Yaz’s eyes.

“Yeah,” she agreed, pulling her scarf over her mouth to hide her grin. Despite her best intentions, that had felt very much like a date. “Promise me you’ll let me know when you get home? Just in case one of those monsters gets you.”

“I promise,” Yaz laughed, her breath clouding in the air. 

* * *

Yaz did not text.

In an uncharacteristic fit of pique, Jo felt like throwing her phone at a wall.

Now she knew something was up. Either that, or she was reading far too much into things. She texted Yaz the following morning, after she’d once more not seen her on the commute.

When it got to lunchtime and there was no sign of Yaz, Jo sent another text. Maybe something had happened to her on the way home. When she saw Ryan in the staffroom, she asked him if he knew where Yaz was.

“I was hoping you’d know, actually,” he said, equally confused as to Yaz’s whereabouts. Jo was too concerned to question his line of thought and instead sent Yaz another text. She considered calling but didn’t want to push her luck. So, she started to send Yaz emojis. Perhaps she was having a bad day, or she was sick in bed. That was more likely than being eaten by random monsters.

But by the end of the day, Jo started to wonder if Yaz was cutting her out. The thought left a horrid taste in her mouth. She headed home, despairing at the lack of contact from Yaz and at the empty evening that lay ahead. She needed a distraction.

So, when Clara texted her and suggested they meet, Jo jumped at the opportunity. From the tone of the text she’d received, it seemed that Clara was also keen to take her mind off things. Perhaps they were both getting the same thing out of this arrangement; Jo had to hope so. She texted Clara her address, pacing while she awaited her arrival.

Jo was tense with anxiety, a few nerves, and quite a lot of unresolved sexual tension. But the moment she heard Clara buzz at the door, she knew that she could forget about several of the things that were bothering her for the next few hours, at least.

As soon as Clara came through the front door, Jo practically launched herself at her.

"Not that I'm complaining, but-mmph!"

Jo stopped Clara's words with her lips.

When they pulled away to breathe, Clara took one look at Jo and slowly started to unbutton her own shirt.

"In that kind of mood, are you?" she smiled cockily, and Jo swallowed down the guilt. She was using Clara. She knew she was. But she was only human, and Clara was beautiful, and willing, and there. She wondered if Clara could see right through her. It wouldn't surprise her if she could.

"Hey, no deep thinking," Clara said, tapping Jo's temple with her finger. “I wish I knew what was going on in there.”

“No, you don’t,” Jo shook her head, reaching out to slide her hands under Clara’s unbuttoned shirt.

Clara gasped as she felt warm hands come to rest on her waist.

“I know you’re just going to distract me,” she said, reaching for the button of Jo’s jeans. “But one day, you might let me in.”

Jo felt a flare of anxiety and realised she needed Clara to stop talking. She mirrored Clara, unbuttoning her jeans and encouraging them over her hips and down to the floor, moving so quickly that Clara had to abandon her own attempts to remove Jo’s clothing.

Clara giggled as she kicked them off, nearly stumbling. Jo held her steady, before pushing her back against the wall.

“Here? Really?” Clara’s breathing was rapid, her cheeks pink.

“Really,” Jo murmured, sliding a leg in between Clara’s. She risked a look at Clara’s face, knowing she had to be sure this was something they both wanted.

“Okay, then,” Clara agreed.

She let out a moan when Jo’s hand moved straight to the junction of her legs.

“You make me so wet.”

Jo flushed, realising it to be true when her fingers pressed gently against the material of Clara’s underwear, instantly feeling heat coat her fingertips. After a few moments she pulled back, ignoring Clara’s protests, tugging her underwear down. The move wasn’t elegant, it was rushed, and rather than wasting time removing her underwear completely she let the material come to rest half-way down Clara’s thighs. _Good enough_.

She pulled in close, using her body to prop Clara up against the wall as her hand drifted back between her legs, the touch feather-light. She could feel the muscles of Clara’s thighs shiver.

“Ready?"

Jo teased, enjoying the way Clara’s hips jolted when her fingers finally slid between her folds.

“Get on with it,” Clara groaned, one hand tangling itself in Jo’s hair as she kept her close.

Jo braced herself, making sure she could bear their weight before letting two fingers slip slowly inside.

“Fuck,” Clara moaned, her head falling back and thudding off the wall. With glazed eyes, Jo watched the expressions that shifted over Clara’s face, cataloguing them. Without warning, she wondered what Yaz would look like if she took her like this. Even better, what it would feel like for Yaz to push her up against a wall and have her way with her. Yaz was so strong that Jo knew she would have good stamina. She felt her knees weaken at the thought.

“Clara,” she whispered, as if reminding herself who she should be thinking about.

“Mm?” Clara moaned, gasping at a particularly hard thrust.

“Nothing,” Jo murmured, pushing herself forwards and in and up, surrounding herself in Clara Oswald. Clara’s head came to rest by her neck and Jo distantly felt lips on the skin there, then pressure as Clara used her neck to muffle the increasingly desperate sounds she was making. Jo began to let the palm of her hand press against her clit with each thrust. She really needed to make Clara come.

“Oh god,” Clara said, pulling away. Jo could feel the beginnings of a bruise where Clara's lips had been. It seemed that whenever they were together, she came away with some visible injury. Jo wondered if the same was true of the parts of her that couldn’t be seen.

It felt frenzied, almost heartless. But there was something about being in control of the situation that worked for Jo. She could feel resistance against her fingers, the tension in Clara’s body building to a crescendo. When she came, Jo marvelled at her beauty.

Clara barely gave herself a chance to recover, impatiently tugging off her underwear and pulling Jo down the hallway on shaky legs.

“Where’s your bed?” she asked, and Jo realised that this was the first time Clara had even seen her flat. Somehow, it felt wrong that they were having such needy sex when they barely knew each other.

“To the right, here,” Jo gestured, leading the way.

Clara pushed her none-too-gently onto the mattress, resuming her task of undressing Jo. It happened so quickly that Jo had no time to realise what was happening before Clara’s head was right between her legs and she was gazing up at Jo with a question in her eyes.

Jo nodded, letting her head fall back onto the pillows as Clara’s mouth enveloped her. _God, she really was good_.

But try as she might, Jo’s mind couldn’t focus. This was all happening so fast - and it was all her fault. Really, it was Yaz’s fault for ghosting her.

When would she learn not to think about Yasmin Khan? Now that she was in her head, Jo imagined it was Yaz between her legs, eating her out like there was no tomorrow. When Clara slid inside with her fingers, Jo imagined it was Yaz fucking her. All of a sudden, she realised she was going to come to the mental imagery and she made a concerted effort to look down at Clara, her head moving as she worked Jo over with her mouth.

Thankfully, she was so wound up that the sight made her come, hard, her hand coming to rest on the top of Clara’s head as if to tangibly cement the connection. Clara was there, Clara had made her come. But once the euphoria had died away, Jo felt empty. This wasn’t right. She went through the motions, pasting on a smile as they held each other. It was nice, but Jo felt like she’d used Clara terribly. The woman in her arms had helped her come to terms with her grief and yet Jo knew that her heart wasn't in this. As wonderful as Clara was, Jo just didn't feel the same spark about her as she did with Yaz.

That night, she didn’t even try to sleep.


	9. An ending

As soon as she was able to the next morning, Jo escaped her flat. Clara was still fast asleep, but the local coffee shop would be open and Jo desperately needed some air, space, and caffeine.

Last night had been an error. In the cold light of day, Jo knew that things couldn’t progress any further with Clara. It was too easy to fall into the arms of someone else when really, she shouldn’t be with anybody. Developments had occurred too rapidly for Jo to keep a handle on them, or on her own feelings. It was too much, and certainly far too much to deal with when she felt so utterly exhausted. She was hurt that Yaz was ignoring her; perhaps she had been reading too much into things and had overcompensated by dialling things up with Clara. _Such an error._ It was clear that she was nowhere near ready to navigate a serious relationship if she couldn’t even get her thoughts straight.

To top it off, she was irritated. Jo didn’t normally get irritated, and it felt odd, but she couldn’t help herself. She was irritated about the situation with Yaz, which she didn’t even want to attempt to untangle before she untangled herself from Clara.

Jo was so tired that when she saw the familiar form of Yasmin Khan running on the other side of the street, she stopped in her tracks. The coffees were hot in her hands but she barely noticed. She squinted, her tired eyes struggling to focus on the person that was running towards her. As the runner got closer, Jo realised it definitely was Yaz.

_You’ve got to be kidding me._

"Yaz!" she called out, eager to find out where the other woman had been. She’d been worried about her and the lack of communication, and yet Yaz was out running, seemingly well and unharmed.

But she obviously took Yaz by surprise, and she stumbled as she turned to look for Jo.

“Yaz!” Jo echoed, alarmed at the sudden tumble. Cursing herself, Jo trotted across the road, relieved to see Yaz sitting up and pulling her ankle towards her.

"Are you alright?" Jo frowned, knowing the answer but asking anyway. She hovered awkwardly, the newspaper under her arm at risk of slipping.

"I'm fine," Yaz grumbled, hissing as she lifted her foot towards her and trying to ease off her shoe.

Jo couldn’t take it, feeling guilty for causing Yaz to fall.

"Let me, please?" Jo put down her purchases and gestured towards Yaz’s ankle but Yaz brushed her off, starting to untie her laces. She glanced at the coffee cups that Jo had put to one side, her tone cold.

"I don't want to keep you," Yaz said. Despite appearances, Jo sensed that things really weren’t alright. She felt even more guilty for feeling so irritated about the situation. But she wished Yaz would open up to her.

"Don't be daft, Yaz. It's my fault you're hurt." Jo tried to catch Yaz’s eye and failed miserably, but spotted an opportunity to help when Yaz gave up in her attempts to untie her laces and got hold of the stubborn knot for herself.

There was a beat while she set to work. When Yaz ventured nothing further, Jo addressed the elephant in the room.

"So. You never replied to my messages. What happened?" Jo asked, deciding that a straightforward approach was the only thing that might actually prompt an honest answer.

It worked.

"I, er, I broke up with my now-ex."

Jo paused as she digested the words. The confirmation that Yaz had been in a relationship this entire time, followed by the news that she was now single, was a double whammy. She softened a little, realising now why Yaz had been so reticent in recent weeks. Yaz refused to meet her gaze.

"No big deal," she murmured, starting to ease her shoe off and hissing in pain when it finally dropped to the ground.

Jo shook her head.

"Yaz. That is a big deal. I'm so sorry."

"It's ok. Or it will be. Anyway. Sorry I didn't reply."

 _Ah_. So her messages had made it through at least. Still, Jo really couldn’t hold it against Yaz for needing some space. She supposed she was going to feel similarly shitty after her imminent conversation with Clara. Jo desperately wanted to ask more, but she restrained herself. She was sure the details would come out in due course. Instead, she focused on Yaz’s ankle - something she could actually help with.

"Good night last night?" Yaz asked.

Jo let her eyes close briefly. She’d seen the hickey on her neck on her way out the door - it was why she’d taken her favourite scarf - but apparently the material had fallen away. She cringed at the thought of Yaz seeing it and self-consciously tugged the scarf back over the marked skin. Rain had started to fall, but Jo had no idea when. She could feel Yaz openly staring at her and found the situation had reversed itself when she couldn’t meet Yaz’s gaze.

"Yeah...I guess," she replied. This was not a conversation she wanted to be having. She reached for Yaz’s ankle, keen to focus on something else other than the disaster that was awaiting her at home.

“Sorry,” she murmured, feeling Yaz tense as she inspected the injury. After a minute, Yaz pulled her foot away.

"I can't do this," Yaz suddenly announced.

It might have been the lack of sleep but Jo was completely confused by what was happening. She was only trying to help.

"Did I hurt you?" Jo frowned. But Yaz ignored her, cautiously getting to her feet and starting to walk away.

 _Ouch_. Something bigger was going on, here. This was nothing to do with a sprained ankle. Irritation flared back to life, compounding the hurt that Jo felt at being shut out, once again. She felt like she was fighting a losing battle with Yasmin Khan. Perhaps it was time to cut her losses.

"Yaz, talk to me. You keep shutting me out. I thought I was your friend?"

Yaz seemed to laugh at that, whirling around to look at her. The honesty in her eyes took Jo aback.

"You see, that's the problem. I can't be friends with you right now, Jo. I can't be a good friend to you, when all I want? All I want is to be the person you're bringing coffee back to on a Saturday morning. It's partly why I'm now single.”

_What the-_

Jo felt her jaw drop. This whole time - her sense that Yaz might like her as more than a friend, her own feelings for Yaz - this _whole_ time, she had been right. There had been something there. And she had thrown herself at another woman to try and ignore it. _What a mess_.

Jo realised she was gawping, rapidly scrambling for something - anything - to say. But when faced with the reality of a situation she had only dreamed about, her words fell hugely short. She had not been prepared for this situation in the slightest.

"Wow, Yaz, I'm flattered-"

Jo knew she’d chosen her words poorly when Yaz cut her off.

"It's okay, y'know. Just me, fucking things up as usual.” Yaz sounded completely dejected. “You should get back, or they'll be iced coffees.”

Jo felt her stomach lurch at the thought of Clara in the midst of this mess. She tried to protest, to get her words out better. _Come on, brain. I know you’re tired, but I really need you right now_.

But when she tried to speak, Yaz kept cutting her off, apparently embarrassed that she’d said anything. It got worse.

"When you talk to me, I lose all reason. You get into my head, Jo. You've been there from the very start, and I can't shake you.”

 _This whole time_. That moment they had locked eyes at the bike sheds, Jo had felt the same way. She was shaken, only barely noticing the fact that she was now thoroughly soaking wet. This moment felt life-changing and Yaz wasn’t letting her speak. She had to tell Yaz how she felt.

“Just hear me out. Give me that, at least. It doesn't need to be like this. You're making things worse than they have to be.” Jo hoped Yaz would see sense and give her the chance to talk, but Yaz kept shutting her down. It was ironic, really; both of them were so convinced their feelings were unrequited that they could barely entertain the thought that they might actually be reciprocated. And it seemed that Yaz was as good as putting up walls as Jo.

“But it does need to be like this, don't you see?” Yaz said, her voice raised over the rain. “You drive me mad, in the best possible way. I can't just pretend that things are okay when they really, really aren't. They haven't been okay since I first laid eyes on you."

With that, Yaz walked away. Jo could see that her ankle was bothering her, and there was no way she could leave Yaz alone, not after what she’d confessed. And yet Yaz seemed to be cutting her out entirely, refusing to listen. Jo felt like the bottom had dropped out of her world.

"Why are you doing this?" she shouted over the noise of the rain. When Yaz didn’t reply, she reached out to touch her arm. Instantly, Yaz pulled away.

“Don’t! Please, don't. You're making this so hard. I just need space, and time. Then we'll be alright, okay? But I can't be your friend, Jo. Not right now.” Yaz was in tears, and Jo felt her own eyes burning. All she wanted to do was to comfort Yaz, to tell her exactly how she felt. But the time was obviously not right. She let Yaz walk away and stood in the downpour until she disappeared from view.

* * *

Clara knew something was wrong the instant Jo walked through the door.

“There you are, I wondered where you’d...got to.” Clara’s words slowed as she realised the state Jo was in. She was as white as a sheet and looked utterly miserable as she stood motionless by the door, dripping wet.

“Bit wet out?” Clara asked, unsure how to proceed. In their limited time together, she’d never seen Jo so quiet.

Jo didn’t answer, wishing she had some space and time to herself to figure out what the hell had just happened.

“Okay, now I know something’s wrong,” Clara said, finally closing the distance between them. She was wearing Jo’s dressing gown, which was a little too big for her.

“Yeah,” Jo finally admitted, shrugging off her coat. It landed on the floor with a wet plop and she let it lie there, opting instead to toe off her boots.

Clara frowned.

“Are you going to tell me what?”

Jo finally snapped out of it, realising that this was crunch time.

“Clara, we…we need to talk.”

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Clara smiled, but Jo could see a flicker of doubt in her features. She felt sick at what she was about to do. Clara deserved better.

Jo guided Clara over to the sofa, sitting them both down face to face. She couldn’t have cared less that her clothes were soaking into the cushions.

“Look, I don’t really know how to say this. Because you are a wonderful person and I’m very glad you entered my life. But I’m not ready for this.”

Clara crossed her arms.

“I don’t think that’s true, Jo."

Jo shook her head.

“I’m really not ready, Clara. My head’s not in the right place, and you?”

Jo reached for Clara’s hands, taking comfort from their warmth against her chilled skin.

“You, Clara Oswald, deserve the world and nothing less. You’ve helped me realise that life is short, and that I can move on."

Jo took a breath.

"But I’m not sure that the person I can move on with is you.”

Clara bit her lip and Jo could see tears welling in her eyes. Her heart ached from what she was doing and she looked down to their hands. Clara's were smaller than her own and they fit perfectly. She heard Clara start to cry.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“I don’t understand,” Clara said, wiping at her cheeks. “I’m not sure why you’re doing this, Jo.”

Despite her words, Clara's tone was resigned. Jo realised she wasn't going to put up much of a fight. She steered the conversation down a route she knew they would both understand. That left no doubt.

“Because I have to say this now, rather than weeks, or months, down the line. I’d never forgive myself for hurting you, Clara Oswald. You've had enough hurt to last a lifetime.”

Clara laughed a little, squeezing Jo’s hands.

“As have you.”

Clara’s cheeks were blotchy with tears and Jo wanted to kiss the tender skin in apology, but she knew that would be a bad idea. Part of her wondered if she’d made the right decision, but deep down she knew that she had, as much as it hurt.

They said nothing for a moment, regarding each other and all that had passed between them.

“Would you like some tea?” Jo asked.

Clara nodded.

As Jo busied herself with the kettle, Clara headed to the bathroom. When she re-emerged, fully dressed, Jo was waiting for her with a cup of steaming tea and some tissues. Clara laughed at the sight, her nose still bunged up from her crying jag.

“It’s like I’ve just walked into a therapy appointment,” Clara observed.

“You’re not the first person to think that,” Jo admitted. She eased herself back onto the sofa, taking a sip of her coffee as Clara made herself comfortable on the armchair. Already, the distance between them made Jo feel lonely and she shivered, feeling the chill from her damp clothes.

“You should probably get out of those clothes,” Clara said, her voice flatter than usual. “I’ll be gone when you’re done.”

“You don’t have to do that-”

“I do,” Clara said, firmly. “As much as I’d like to hang out and chat, I really think I need to be going.”

Jo stared into her mug. “Do you think...we could still be friends?”

Clara didn’t answer for a long while but Jo didn’t push. She was apprehensive about what Clara would say, but when she eventually respond, Jo was pleasantly surprised.

“You know what, I think we could. Eventually,” Clara finally said, and Jo was relieved to see the start of a smile on her face. Perhaps they would be alright, after all. Still, it didn’t detract from the fact that she had essentially nixed any potential relationship in the bud, without giving Clara much of a say in things. It was an eerie parallel with what had happened with Yaz earlier that morning.

"I'm so sorry, Clara."

"Don't be." Clara fixed the smile on her face. "I just need a bit of time."

"Of course," Jo agreed, getting to her feet and abandoning her tea. She was freezing cold and in dire need of some rest. The morning had been far more emotionally draining than she'd anticipated. As she walked past Clara, a hand around her wrist stopped her in her tracks.

"Jo, I hope you don't mind me saying, but...you look like you could do with some proper sleep. Will you do me a favour? Try and get some decent rest."

The way Clara was looking at her merely served to compound Jo's guilt. She wondered how things would have developed between them if she hadn't been in love with Yasmin Khan. Because she was. She realised that now.

"I'll try," she smiled wryly. Somehow, she just knew it was going to be borderline impossible.


	10. A trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, come find me on Tumblr (@maglex) if you want to chat 🙂 or if you have any ideas about what you'd like to read! I love prompts 😀

For the first time in her life, teaching did not bring joy to Doctor Jo Smith. Her classes helped form a routine, made her get up in the morning, but her heart wasn't in it. She felt empty.

To make things worse, the days were getting even shorter and darker, putting a dampener on her mood. Although Jo was a positive person by nature, there was only so much she could bounce back from. She hated when life ground her down and tried to put up a spirited fight, but the odds were stacked against her. It didn’t help that sleep was elusive at best and what dreams she did have were unpleasant to say the least.

One night, after waking from another dream of River, she caved and texted Yaz. She wasn't expecting a response - she worded it in a way that didn't require one - but she hoped for one more than anything. That Yaz might respond and talk about what had happened between them was the only light at the end of the tunnel. Jo felt like she had damaged two relationships and although, in time, she knew that she and Clara might become friends, whatever had happened with Yaz was altogether different. The strength of feeling she had for Yaz was also on a completely different level, and she felt the fallout of their argument in the rain a lot more strongly because of it.

Jo grimaced as she remembered Yaz’s words. She’d said that Jo had hurt her, and the memory of that plagued Jo. Yaz deserved better. The least she could do was apologise.

_Yaz. I'm sorry I've hurt you. That is the last thing I would ever want to do. I want to give you all the space you need, but I miss you. I know I shouldn't say that, I'm sorry. But I'll be here, ready to talk whenever you are._

3:19 am. There was no way that Yaz would reply at that time of the night, but Jo’s heart gave a little patter when the message was marked as read almost instantly. Two blue ticks. The extent of their interaction since that day in the rain. Jo let the phone fall back to the table and turned away.

Perhaps Yaz was sleeping as poorly as she was. It wouldn’t be surprising. The way she worded things in her message was deliberately closed off; she didn’t want to pressurise Yaz into a response. Still, that didn’t stop Jo from checking her phone more than usual, wondering if there was a reply waiting for her.

She had yet to see anything of Yaz at school and wondered if she had taken some time off due to the changes in her personal circumstances. Jo tried not to think too much about it, but there wasn't much in the way of distraction. Christmas was coming, a holiday that Jo didn't particularly enjoy. Her colleagues and students at school had started to talk about family traditions but Jo no longer had any family to talk about. She would be alone, ultimately, for 3 weeks. The prospect hovered on the horizon, edging ever closer as the term drew to a close.

The morning that everything changed, Jo woke up from another night of broken sleep. She frowned as she looked at the time, refusing to believe it was six in the morning when it was pitch black outside. Accepting defeat, Jo made a coffee as she watched the start of the morning news. It was four degrees outside, with icy patches and the potential for snow later in the week. The thought of it made Jo shiver and for the first time in a while, she wondered what it would be like to head back out into the world, to warmer climes. This time next year she could be teaching in the Philippines, or Cambodia, getting away from the misery of the cold and dark weather at home. And given everything that had recently transpired, the prospect seemed very appealing.

Jo shook her head. She wasn’t one to run from her problems. Fantasising about another life, another world, was far too easy. This was the choice she had made; she would have to own it.

Time. Jo just needed time. They both did. She had to be patient, let things work themselves out. It was just that being patient and waiting for life to happen was not something Jo was particularly happy about doing. Her thoughts were still churning when she prepared to leave the house, tucking her right trouser leg into some stripy socks to avoid catching the gears. She snapped on several reflective bands to make sure she was visible to drivers in the dim morning light, checking the lights on her bike worked before lifting it with great care and carrying it down the stairs.

Even though her mind was in turmoil, Jo took comfort in the routine. She felt refreshed as soon as the cold morning air invaded her lungs, and she tucked in the ends of her scarf, making sure it was secure for the journey. With a sigh she pushed off, heading in for another day of work. Jo focused on the traffic for most of the journey, trying to ensure that drivers could see her and being cautious as she navigated around parked cars. But as she neared the school, nerves took flight.

Would she see Yaz today? It seemed that the other woman was very good at hiding if she was, actually, attending work. That she knew where Yaz’s office was, or that she could take a detour to her classroom via the playing fields didn’t matter; Jo didn’t want to force the issue.

_Patience._

Just as she was pedaling down to the school gates, there was the unmistakable sound of a car driving too fast. But Jo had been so preoccupied with her thoughts that she didn’t realise where it was coming from, only registering the noise when the sound of squealing brakes emerged from her right. Then the lights went out.

* * *

The next Jo knew was a world of pain. White hot sheets of it passed through her entire body. Confused and disoriented, she felt disembodied hands on her, touching her clothes. There was something solid, and cold, behind her back. Something was pushing into her head, and she could feel warmth on one side of her face.

Something was terribly wrong. Once the initial wave of pain had passed, Jo could feel stabs of agony coming from her leg. She instantly reached out for it, only for a strange hand to clasp her own. At least, she thought it was a hand. Something warm was touching her palm but it didn’t feel like skin.

A strange voice accompanied it.

“Jo? If you can hear me, I want you to squeeze my hand, alright?”

So it was a hand, after all. Who was this man, and how did he know her name? Jo was utterly confused. She wished she was at home, in bed, asleep. Maybe she was. No, there was no way she could be asleep and in that amount of pain. It was indescribable. So she squeezed as best she could and was alarmed at the weakness of her own grip. _Definitely not a dream_.

For the first time in years, Jo wanted her mum. She was utterly terrified. The voice started speaking again, but Jo could feel her grasp on reality starting to slip and the words didn’t register.

“Good. I'm Graham, and I wish we could have met under better circumstances but I'm here to help, okay? Can you stay still for just a bit longer?”

She felt cold air against her head and realised they’d taken something off. Her helmet. That was it...she’d been cycling. Jo tried to pat herself down, figure out what was wrong. Why was she on the ground? Something went around her neck, making it impossible to move.

And then, Yaz was there. Of all the people Jo hadn’t expected to see, Yaz topped that list. Her voice was close, cutting through the background noise that had started to filter through into Jo’s brain.

 _Yasmin Khan_. Jo was so relieved that she was almost certain she felt a tear escape, leaving a trail of warmth on her cheek. 

“Jo, it's Yaz. You're ok. I promise, you'll be ok.” Jo wanted to reply, to say she’d know that voice anywhere. But she couldn’t speak, overwhelmed with pain and also utter relief. Yaz said she would be ok. That was all she needed to hear. A hand slipped into her own and Jo had to open her eyes, as difficult as it was, and see for herself that Yaz truly was holding her hand. Of all the situations Jo had imagined them holdings hands, this particular scenario had never occurred to her.

“Yaz, you're here.” Even speaking hurt. Her eyes threatened to close at any second. But she had to say something, acknowledge that this was happening and that Yaz was there with her.

“I wouldn't be anywhere else,” Yaz smiled, but even Jo could see that her face was pinched with worry. She hated to see Yaz upset. “I'm with you, whatever happens. But you need to stay still. Please?”

Without thinking, Jo tried to nod, forgetting that she shouldn’t - and couldn’t - move. She felt trapped, and the fresh wave of pain she had triggered made the world start to turn dark at the edges. Her final thought before passing out was that Yaz was there. She could rest, now.

“That counts as moving, sweetheart,” Yaz said, the words just barely permeating Jo’s consciousness before she relaxed into the blackness, safe in the knowledge that Yaz would look after her.


	11. A homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there, guys....thanks for bearing with me 😀  
> And as always, thank you to TheRainbowFox for being such a fab beta, alongside all of her own projects! I have no idea how she does it.  
> Come find me on Tumblr @maglex if you ever want to talk 🙂

Jo’s sense of time essentially disappeared. She caught random snippets of conversation and saw a lot of different ceilings but her awareness was tinged by pain, which was distracting. The taste of blood and the smell of antiseptic infiltrated her senses; she was cold. And although she could sense people around her, they were all strangers. She felt so alone.

“Yaz,” she called out, her arm moving off the edge of the gurney as she reached out for the one person who could make sense of this. The one person who was familiar; the only person in the world that she wanted to see.

“Alright there, Jo? I’m Emily, and I’m a nurse. Do you know where you are?”

Jo’s tongue felt too big for her mouth and her head was uncomfortably woozy when she tried to move it. To top it off, the fluorescent lights were far too bright and she raised an arm to block them out, but her new friend Emily was having none of it.

“Careful there, lovely. You have an IV and some painkillers to help with the pain, which we've just put in. You'll start to feel them soon."

“Yaz,” Jo repeated. It helped that her name was so short because anything longer would have caused issues. She gritted her teeth as another wave of pain passed through, easing as the drugs kicked in.

Emily was obviously used to dealing with difficult patients.

“Not to worry, Yaz is just outside. I’ll get her for you in a minute, but we need to sort that leg of yours out first, okay?” She smiled at Jo, who was still thoroughly confused.

Emily talked Jo through the process as her leg was set but the drugs and random flashbacks of the accident were far too distracting for Jo to pay any attention. And most distracting of all was a memory that was like a beacon in an endless night of misery.

_Yaz had called her sweetheart._

Jo felt hope blossom in her chest, the warmth extending all the way to her fingertips. Hope was a novel feeling, after several draining weeks. Clara had been a brief reprieve, but even then Jo had known that was only a temporary solution to a larger problem.

“There, all set. Get it?” Emily’s eyes crinkled with mirth and Jo couldn’t help but smile in response. She liked this woman.

“That’s more like it! A smile. You’re alright, Jo. I'll just put in some stitches for that cut,” Emily said, gesturing to Jo’s forehead. She instantly reached out for Jo’s hand before it could go wandering, knowing she’d try to touch the wound, and held it carefully.

“Trust me, you’ll want to leave that well alone,” Emily winked. “Stay put and I’ll be back before you know it.”

Jo watched her leave with detachment. She risked a glance down at her leg, which was covered in fresh plaster. She let her head fall back against the bed, casting her eyes around the room. Despite the hubbub of activity, it felt like she was watching proceedings from outside of her own body. The only tether to reality was the constant painful reminder that she had really hurt herself. But the drugs were helping with that, at least a bit.

Jo watched as Emily went to talk to a very pretty doctor, who was hovering by the door. The doctor looked at her for a long moment, her expression unreadable, and Jo felt like she was being scrutinised. Maybe the drugs were making her paranoid.

She blinked and the woman was gone, and Emily was right back by her side. _Whoah_.

“Good drugs, right?” Emily said. “Just let me know if you’re feeling sick at all. I’m going to patch you up good and proper, and then we’ll see if we can find your friend. But you have to promise me to stay still, alright?”

Jo raised her hand in mock salute and the nurse raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

“I’ll let that slide. But only because I sense you’re the charming kind,” Emily winked and Jo started to laugh.

Except suddenly everything was funny. She felt as light as a feather.

“Maybe we should taper the dose down a little,” Emily smiled, setting to work on Jo’s forehead. “Can you tell me about Yaz?”

“Mm. Yes. Yaz.” Jo’s throat felt like sandpaper. It’d been a while since she’d had to speak properly, apparently. Jo had no idea what time it was.

“Yaz is wonderful. She teaches PE, at the same school as me.”

“You’re a teacher? What do you teach?”

“English.”

“Ah, probably one of my least favourite subjects,” Emily said, but even Jo could tell she was pulling her leg.

“Oi,” she retorted, “English is amazing." She broke out into a grin. "As is Yaz.”

“I see,” Emily mused. “You seem to like Yaz a lot. Are you good friends?”

Jo frowned at the question, hissing in pain as the movement pulled on the bruised and battered skin of her forehead.

Emily stopped what she was doing, waiting for Jo to signal she was ready to continue.

“Er, you could say that,” Jo said, wondering how things actually stood between them.

“Why am I sensing something a bit more complicated?”

“It’s a long story,” Jo sighed, closing her eyes as she tried to ignore the pull of the needle on her skin.

“Well, we have time…”

And so, Jo told Emily all about what had happened. On the plus side, it did make the whole experience a bit more entertaining. By the end, Emily had been finished for at least five minutes, and seemed to be sitting on the edge of her seat.

“You’re kidding me,” she exclaimed.

“Nope,” Jo replied, feeling a dopey grin spread across her face. She couldn’t help it. Just thinking of Yaz did that to her.

“Well then. I’d best not delay you any more. It sounds to me like you both need to have a chat.” Emily pulled off her gloves, depositing them in the tray with the used suturing kit. She winked again at Jo before pulling one of the nearby doctors to one side.

Jo couldn’t bear the suspense. Yasmin Khan was on the other side of those doors and she would finally get to speak to her. It was just a shame that she had to get hit by a car for it to happen.

Chatting with Emily was one thing, though; when Yaz did finally emerge through the doors, Jo realised that the drugs were going to make this all a bit embarrassing. Her filter was non-existent by this point.

“Yasmin Khan,” she said, internally alarmed by the slurring she heard in her own voice. She beamed as she watched Yaz cross the room at speed, trailed more slowly by that other doctor. The one who had watched her, before. Jo imagined that this doctor had been telling Yaz about her status and was about to ask if she’d pulled through when she saw the look they shared. She sensed this wasn’t a time for humour. And she also sensed that they knew each other, somehow. They seemed too familiar with one another to be strangers.

She couldn’t help but interrupt the conversation that seemed to be going on without her.

“Drugs are wonderful,” she commented, wondering why on earth she had opted to say anything at all, when Yaz turned to look at her with such a soft look that Jo suddenly didn’t care. She watched as Yaz moved to hover at her bedside, eyeing her hand.

“You can hold it, you know. I won't bite.” Jo smiled, unable to help herself. She was so relieved that Yaz was there that she was a bit blunter than usual.

“You're so pretty.” It was true, and Jo felt no fear. She might live to regret saying it later but if she’d learned anything from the past few weeks, it was that life was too short. She owed it to herself, to both of them, to be honest.

Jo had eyes only for Yaz as she watched a flush grace her cheeks, before the other woman in the room chipped in and said she was leaving.

“Thanks! You all did a great job. Gold star for all of you.” Jo was about to start a speech about how much she loved the NHS when Yaz finally reached for her hand, stopping her waving it about. Once again, a conversation took place with the doctor that Jo didn’t quite have the attention span to follow. She was too busy enjoying the feel of Yaz's hand in hers. It was incredibly comforting.

A beat passed.

"What'd she say?" Jo asked, realising that she had completely zoned out.

Yaz pulled up a chair, refusing to let go of Jo's hand.

“That was my ex. You probably don't want to know."

Jo was impressed that she'd picked up on the strange vibe, despite the painkillers. She was trying to remember what Yaz's ex looked like when Yaz turned to her earnestly.

“You gave me such a fright, Jo, you know that?”

Jo opened her mouth and shut it again. Her first instinct was to ask why, but surely it was obvious. Yaz liked her. But Yaz had no idea about the depth of Jo's own feelings. She had walked away before Jo could say anything to that effect.

But now wasn't the time for grand declarations. The timing was never right, and Jo cursed the universe. If she said something now, Yaz might chalk it up to the drugs. It wasn’t like Jo could handle a serious conversation right now anyway, and besides, it didn’t feel appropriate to launch into things when Yaz’s ex was right next door.

“I missed the good bit. Did they put the lights and siren on?” Jo asked instead. She was genuinely interested.

“You were out like a light. It was kind of scary, actually.” Jo could feel Yaz running her thumb over the back of her hand, a repetitive motion that soothed her frazzled nerves to the point that, despite her best intentions, Jo felt her eyes droop.

But just as she was starting to drift off, she had the urge to tell Yaz something. Anything that would let her know she appreciated her being there.

“I remember you,” she said, her eyes still closed.

“What do you mean?”

“Afterwards. I don't really remember what happened. But you. I remember you. You called me sweetheart.” Jo felt a smile tug at her lips, imagining Yaz’s reaction. “S'nice.”

Then the drugs did their work and pulled her under.

* * *

Jo had been a fan of the painkillers until they made her dreams more fevered than usual. River was there, and Clara, and even Yaz, all of them unattainable. They turned away from Jo, ignoring her, their faces drifting in and out as if to taunt her.

When Jo awoke, gasping, Yaz was nowhere to be seen. She looked around the room in a daze, trying not to panic. _Where had Yaz gone?_

Jo tried to reason with herself. She was flustered from her dream, that much was obvious. But why would Yaz necessarily stay? She had just fallen asleep. It wasn’t like Yaz was obliged to watch over her, or even keep her company. They didn’t have that kind of relationship.

Her leg twinged. The drugs were obviously wearing off. Pain crept in around the edges, making Jo feel even more fragile. Every single part of her ached. And this pain wasn’t going to go away any time soon. She had to get used to it, get used to dealing with it on her own. She wondered if she could even walk.

Gearing herself up, Jo gingerly eased her legs over the edge of the bed, panting with the effort. She paused as the movement sent a spike of pain up her injured leg, shuddering in the aftermath.

_Come on. You can do this. You’ve always looked after yourself. What’s stopping you now? A broken leg is nothing compared to what you’ve got through before. It’s all in the mind._

Mindful of the IV, Jo was just about to try to stand when the door opened and Yaz was there.

“Whoah! Where do you think you're going?”

Jo froze, taken by complete surprise.

“Nowhere. Just wanted to stretch my legs.” Jo knew the lie was feeble, but it wasn’t like she could tell Yaz what was going on in her head. _Far too intense_. Instead, she let Yaz urge her to lie back, putting up no fight whatsoever. It was nice to have someone else take control of the situation, if she was honest with herself. She’d been reliant on herself for so long that the feeling was entirely novel.

Yaz fussed over her, pulling the sheet up so that her bare legs were at least covered. Jo shivered a little, wishing she was in her own bed.

“Well, the good news is that you can get out of here. But the bad news is, it'll probably be in a wheelchair. Do you want to go home?”

When Jo nodded, she did it so fast that the room tilted.

“Yeah, that might be nice. Feeling a bit tired all of a sudden.”

Yaz smiled at her softly, playing with the corner of the sheet.

“That'll happen when you get hit by a car,” she said, dryly. “We'll get you some nice strong painkillers and then you can sleep for as long as you want. I promise.” Yaz hovered over her, as if uncertain what to do with herself. Jo wished she’d hold her hand again.

“So...I don't know much, but did you want me to call someone? To stay with you?” Yaz asked, her tone stilted.

Jo felt herself deflate.

“You're not staying?” As soon as she said it, Jo wished she hadn’t. Why would Yaz stay?

“Well, I- I thought you might want to call that person. The one from the party...the one you bought coffee for? If you just give me their number, I can do it.”

Jo realised that Yaz was referring to Clara. Then, it dawned on her that Yaz had no idea what had happened; that Clara was no longer in the picture. They hadn’t talked since their argument in the rain. Jo shook her head suddenly, keen to correct her, but it was a bad idea. Pain flared up from her bruised shoulders, making it hard to think straight.

“When will I learn that moving hurts,” Jo grumbled. “I don't think now is a good time to have this particular conversation, to be honest. But no, there's nobody I want you to call.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the attending doctor, and Emily poked her head in before they left.

“Good luck, Jo! In more ways than one,” she said, giving Yaz a pointed look. Yaz, in turn, looked thoroughly confused, frowning as she turned to Jo for an explanation. Jo tried to redirect the conversation before Yaz could ask what that was all about.

“I hope you're ready for this, Yaz. I don't deal very well with bed rest.”

* * *

Jo tried to refuse Yaz’s help for as long as she could, but eventually, even her stubborn nature couldn’t compete with the simple fact that she couldn’t walk. By way of consolation, she thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of Yaz bodily helping her up the stairs, and despite the discomfort she was in, the proximity of Yaz’s body so close to her own was very welcome. But by the time they’d made it to her flat she was exhausted, and even Yaz looked a little out of breath.

“Don't move. I'm going to get some cushions to prop your leg on,” said Yaz, pottering around Jo’s flat as she tried to re-familiarise herself with it. After making sure she’d taken some painkillers, Yaz handed Jo the remote, instructing her to find something “terrible to watch.” Jo flicked on the TV, making a show of browsing the listings but in reality she was far too distracted by the fact that Yaz was fussing over her, again.

Jo felt the drugs start to do their work but even then, she could tell that Yaz seemed a bit anxious, as if she didn’t know what to do with herself. All Jo wanted was for her to sit down and relax. It was obvious that she was frayed by the events of the day. And also, perhaps, a little on edge about the situation they had found themselves in. Jo, on the other hand, was feeling a pleasant buzz from the drugs that made her throw caution to the wind. She felt so cared for, so safe, that she wanted Yaz to at least feel comfortable.

So, when Yaz adjusted the blanket on Jo’s lap for the third time, Jo reached out and took hold of her hand.

Yaz immediately stilled.

“Yaz.”

“Yes?”

“I'm really glad you're here, you know.”

“Any time. That's what friends are for.”

But what Yaz was doing was not what a friend would do. A friend wouldn’t worry quite so much about Jo’s pain levels, or how warm she was, or even if her blanket was tucked in just how she liked it. A friend would have been far less on edge than Yaz was right now. There was a tension in the room that even Jo could sense.

“No.” _Damn._ The drugs were making it hard to verbalise Jo’s thoughts.  

“No?” Yaz looked alarmed.

“I mean...never mind.” Jo was frustrated that words had failed her, again. It was like someone had scrambled her brain. “My head hurts. Come and sit with me for a bit?” If she couldn’t talk properly to Yaz, she could at least try and get her to relax a little.

Yaz sat down carefully, apparently so that she wouldn’t jostle Jo too much, and Jo inhaled as she felt a warm thigh against her own. She masked the movement by pulling the blanket across them both, making sure Yaz was just as warm and comfortable as she was. But as soon as she did, she realised the error of her ways. Now she was entirely too warm and comfortable, for the first time in several hours.

They sat quietly for a while, letting the nervous energy ebb away as a terrible film played on the TV. Jo tried to watch it, desperately trying to stay awake and soak up the feel of Yaz so close to her. But her body betrayed her and before she knew it, her head started to nod. Jo had never found it easy to sleep in front of people; perhaps it was the events of the day that had culminated in this, but Jo also knew that she felt safe with Yaz next to her. She let down her guard, allowing sleep to claim her and hoping that Yaz would still be there when she woke up.


	12. A conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go...the conversation they needed to have, from Jo's pov 🙂

Jo gradually became aware that her comfortable pillow was not only warm but it was also moving. It took her a moment to realise precisely why, and only when she reluctantly opened her eyes did her mattress take shape. Jo was face to face with Yaz’s breasts and she stopped breathing for a second, wondering how she’d ended up like this. The last she remembered was watching a film but a quick look out of the window showed darkness, with the vague orange glow of the streetlights outside. The world was quiet; the only sound was that of Yaz’s steady breathing and her heartbeat in Jo’s ear was a reassuring rhythm. It sounded solid and healthy and tangible. Even better, Jo realised, was the gentle pressure of a hand on her back, keeping her close. They were marvellous sensations and Jo let herself revel in the moment before realising that Yaz was probably incredibly uncomfortable.

Jo’s broken leg was still miraculously propped up on the table but from the waist up she had twisted so that she could use Yaz as a bed. Jo’s shoulders and ribs screamed as she tried to adjust her position and she winced, befuddled by drug-induced sleep as she painfully inched herself up and away from the warmth of Yaz’s body. Instantly, she missed it. But her bladder had woken her up and her head was burning, neither of which felt good. Fingertips probed at the edge of the bandage on her forehead and came away crimson.

Panicking, Jo cast a quick glance at Yaz’s shirt, relieved to find it unmarked. She watched the other woman for a moment, looking at Yaz’s face relaxed in genuine, restful sleep. Her lips were parted slightly and Jo suddenly wished she could kiss them. She was beautiful, so beautiful it made Jo’s heart ache. But she had more pressing matters to attend to and she hobbled her way down the hallway, realising that Yaz must really need rest if she could sleep through the racket she’d made when she launched herself from the sofa with the aid of her crutches. Now was as good a time as any to prove she could look after herself.

For the first time since the accident, Jo caught sight of herself in a mirror. She barely recognised herself; her skin was pallid, her eyes bloodshot, and half of her forehead was covered in a bandage. It was shocking, really, and it was very easy at that particular moment to let self-pity envelop her. Jo allowed herself a moment to wallow, but the sight of blood seeping through the bandage on her head spurred her into action. Unfortunately, despite the dressing being nearly saturated, it was still stubbornly stuck to the skin, which was sensitive and stinging. Opting for the most efficient option, Jo impatiently abandoned her crutches to the floor and reached up with one hand, gripping a corner and yanking as she wobbled on her one good leg. The blood-soaked material finally came away and the pain followed an instant later.

“Ow! Damnit.”

Jo gasped as the pain gradually receded and ignored the ugly looking stitches in favour of finding a new dressing. Thankfully, Yaz had left the hospital supplies in one of the drawers but due to her lack of balance, Jo spilled most of them onto the floor in her attempts to retrieve some fresh gauze.

“Jo?”

 _Speak of the devil_. Jo realised she must have cursed loud enough to wake Yaz.

“In here,” she called out. She wouldn’t be able to hide for much longer, and told Yaz she could come in when she asked.

There was a glimpse of a smile through the door before Yaz gasped at the sight of Jo’s head.

“It started bleeding,” Jo grumbled, struggling to remove the stubborn tape from her fingers. She succeeded at long last, depositing the bloody bandage in the sink as Yaz collected the spilled dressings from the floor. Jo was frustrated at her inability to handle such a simple task, and she huffed out a sigh as she watched Yaz move with ease. But this wouldn’t do; Yaz was only trying to help and Jo hated to sulk. There had to be a silver lining to this, surely?

So when Yaz told her off for being up and about, Jo couldn’t resist saying the first thing that popped into her head.

“Yes, Nurse Khan.” A rather inappropriate mental image flashed through Jo’s mind and she had to bite back a smile. _Now was not the time._

“I'm going to pretend you didn't say that,” Yaz replied, a smile tugging at her lips nevertheless. She shut the toilet lid and helped Jo sit on it, starting to clean the wound.

“Why didn't you wake me?” Yaz’s voice was quiet as she concentrated on her task. Their faces had never been so close and Jo held her breath instinctively. Yaz’s touch was gentle but it still stung, so Jo focused on Yaz to try and distract herself from the pain. It was surprisingly effective.

“You looked like you needed the rest.” Even as she said it, Jo realised she might have said something inappropriate. After all, Yaz had just ended a long-term relationship. Of course she’d be tired. Seeing her up close just made the bags under her eyes even more apparent and it pained Jo to look at them, knowing she’d possibly been partly responsible. But Yaz had pushed her away, cut her out, and Jo had let her; her own personal issues had stymied whatever had been developing between them. She realised that now, thanks to Clara.

Yaz paused for a split second, straightening up as she picked up some fresh cotton wool. She moved past the moment gracefully.

“Well, next time, just wake me. That's what I'm here for.”

Suddenly, Jo couldn’t take it. The pain, the proximity, the fact that they were actively ignoring the elephant in the room - enough was enough. They really needed to talk.

“Are we okay? I wasn't sure if I was going to see you again, you know. You seemed pretty upset the last time we spoke. Before all this."

After a beat, Yaz finally stopped fussing and stood still.

“Shall we move this somewhere more comfortable? I think I'll make us some tea."

Jo’s heart leapt. Was this the moment they’d been waiting for? After Yaz helped her back to the couch she fidgeted as the kettle boiled, turning off the TV so that they’d have no distractions. What they were about to say could have serious consequences and Jo didn’t want to miss a moment.

She gratefully accepted a cup of tea, waiting for Yaz to join her. But it didn’t help that Yaz sat where Clara had once sat, the day that Jo hurt her. She hoped that this conversation would have a happier outcome, but she also knew that she had to be honest with Yaz, as painful as that might be. So it took her by surprise when Yaz started the way she did.

“I owe you an apology. When we first met, I was seeing somebody. Kate, you remember the doctor at the hospital?”

Realisation dawned. The doctor who had looked at her so oddly was Yaz’s ex. Another piece of the puzzle slotted into place and she groaned as she realised how high she’d been on painkillers. _Not the best first impression._

“We were together for a couple of years. Good years. We lived together, we even went to Paris in the summer. My dad thought she was going to propose.”

The mention of a proposal served to remind Jo of precisely how serious Yaz’s relationship had been. And, inevitably, it reminded her of her own engagement to River. Another serious relationship that had ended painfully. She gazed into her mug as Yaz continued to talk.

“But things weren't right. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, y'know? Something just didn't feel the same. I didn't like the idea of her proposing, for a start. And then she did, and I dealt with it badly. So badly. All of this happened a few weeks ago. And at the same time, I met you.”

Yaz handed her a plate of toast, which Jo had completely forgotten she was making, absorbed by the story Yaz was telling her. She smiled gratefully at Yaz when she realised just how ravenous she was. But Yaz kept her distance, pacing back to the kitchen.

“I...I realised that I wasn't in love with Kate, anymore.”

 _Surely Yaz wasn’t going to confess something serious right now?_ Jo almost dropped her toast. She’d come to the realisation that she was in love with Yaz only recently, and the thought that Yaz might love her back - she didn’t want to entertain it prematurely.

“Don't worry, I'm not going there,” Yaz smiled when she saw the look on Jo’s face, and Jo felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. Yaz could read her too easily.

“So, I ended things. But the night that happened, you and I – we went to get ice cream, do you remember? And we saw a movie.”

Jo remembered that night vividly. She thought of it often.

“Do you know what that night felt like? It felt like a date.” Jo felt her stomach twist in recognition. It had.

“But then...I saw you that weekend. And you'd been with someone else. It killed me. It physically hurt to think about it.” Yaz’s eyes became bright with unshed tears.

“Yaz...” Jo felt a spike of shame. She’d used Clara and she’d hurt Yaz, albeit unknowingly. Yaz had been brave and ended a relationship because she realised she was no longer in love; but Jo had thrown herself at Clara, the first person to show her that she could love after loss and she’d used her terribly, knowing that she felt something for Yaz. What did that make her? _A coward_. Yaz deserved better than that.

“Anyway,” Yaz continued, oblivious to Jo's inner turmoil, “I ended that relationship because I wasn't happy. And I realised that I was just a friend to you, nothing more. So I had to cut my ties with you, too. All in the space of two days. It was horrible."

Jo waited with bated breath to see if Yaz would continue, but apparently she’d said everything she wanted to say. Rather than go into detail about what had happened these past few weeks, Jo decided to cut to the chase. They’d wasted so much time already and Yaz deserved to know the truth. Just like she’d torn the bandage off earlier, Jo had to be brutal.

“I tried to say this earlier, but my brain wasn't co-operating. You're not just a friend, Yaz. You being here...it's above and beyond what a friend would do. But here's the thing.”

Jo took a deep breath. She had to be brave.

“You mean a lot to me. I hope you know that. You, Yasmin Khan, are an awesome human. You really are. Right now, you're proving it. But me – well, I don't think you know me all that well, really. I don't think you'd want to stick around if you did.”

The self-pity was creeping back in but this time, Jo let it. When Yaz tried to protest, she stopped her.

“Hear me out. You've been keeping all of this inside you, and all this time, I had a feeling there was something between us. Actually, I was almost certain. That time after we ran together, in the shower room?” Jo remembered exactly how Yaz had looked at her. It sent a rush of warmth between her legs. _Focus, Jo_.

“I feel like I've led you on a bit. Because I couldn't help myself, Yaz. I wanted to get close to you. But I couldn't let you get too close, or as close as I think you wanted to be.”

“Why not?” Yaz asked. Her voice sounded like it might break at any moment.

Jo knew this was the point that they’d been building to. While Clara was, of course, very relevant to this situation, she knew that she had to get to the root of the matter. She had to talk about River, which was something she never did. Clara had showed her that she needed to deal with her grief, to be open and talk about the events that had shaped her life. And given how strongly she felt about Yaz, and precisely why she had kept Yaz at a distance, it seemed only right that Yaz was the person she opened up to. It was a trial by fire.

“I've kept people at arm's length for a long, long time. When I was travelling, before, I was with someone. We were actually engaged, believe it or not.” Jo laughed a little as she pictured River in her mind’s eye. Not the River of her dreams; the River she spent lazy mornings with, the woman she loved so much that the light of her world went out when she died. Jo tried to collect her thoughts, willing herself to not break down.

"She was a character, River. I loved her more than anything. But one day, she just didn't come home. I found out later that she'd been hurt in some freak accident. And...she died, before I could say goodbye."

 _Too late_. A traitorous tear rolled down Jo's cheek and then Yaz, wonderful Yaz, was there, holding her hand again. Jo nearly didn’t process the words of comfort she murmured, drowned out as they were by the roar of blood in her ears. Her heart was pounding.

“I had no idea. I'm so sorry, Jo.”

“The people I love always leave me. So, at the end of the day, I'd rather be alone. It hurts far less than losing someone.” Jo looked at Yaz, hoping her meaning was clear. _I could never lose you_.

“No, Jo. You deserve so much more than that,” Yaz said, earnestly.

But Yaz’s willingness to ignore her shortcomings made Jo realise, once more, that Yaz deserved better. Clara had deserved better.

“I don't,” Jo retorted. “I treat people like they're passing objects. A quick fling, and that's as close as I let them get. I couldn't do that to you. I would never allow it.”

There. That was the crux of the matter. Her issues that stemmed from River had evolved to the point that she would never let anybody get close. And anybody that she did like enough, she’d push away so that they wouldn’t hurt her. It was fucked up.

But Yaz took her by surprise as she wiped away the tears from her cheeks.

“Then don't.”

“I'm sorry?”

“Don't treat me like I'm some temporary fix. Because I'm not going anywhere, Jo.” Yaz’s hand came to rest on Jo’s cheek, tracing the path Jo’s own thumb had taken just moments ago.

"You can't open up to me like that and expect me to run. I'm not that kind of person. Is that what you wanted?"

_Oh, Yasmin Khan. You wonderful, brave soul._

"No," Jo admitted, letting hope permeate her thoughts for the first time in years.

"Then why are you pushing me away? You know how I feel. What are you so afraid of?"

Jo let her mouth open and shut, trying to formulate a rebuttal. She had to at least give Yaz one good reason.

"Honestly? I'm afraid that there's no going back from this."

"Does there need to be? All or nothing, Jo. I'm willing to risk it." Yaz’s gaze didn’t waver; her words were strong, delivered confidently. Jo couldn’t believe that in spite of everything she’d said, Yaz wasn’t running for the hills.

The hope that she had started to feel became overwhelming, growing exponentially to the point where it seemed to fill every fibre of her being. _Could they do this?_

Yaz had laid everything out there. So had she. A weight lifted from Jo’s shoulders as she realised they had passed the trial; the next step was unknown. And it felt like Yaz was asking her to make the decision on how to proceed. Jo knew what she wanted, for the first time in a very long time.

"All or nothing," she agreed whole-heartedly, the words practically tumbling from her mouth before she surged forward, capturing Yaz's lips with her own. The instant they touched, Jo knew she had made the right decision. She could feel Yaz start to respond immediately, the soft skin of her mouth pliant under Jo’s own. Distantly, she could hear the moan Yaz made at the contact, but her remaining brain capacity was completely focused on kissing Yasmin Khan. It was magic. Jo slid a hand into Yaz’s hair, keeping her close as she deepened the kiss, shifting without thinking and sending a wave of agony up her broken leg.

_Shit._

"Argh. Sorry, Yaz." Jo pulled away, completely flustered and beyond frustrated that her leg had hindered things. For Yaz’s part, she seemed similarly dazed.

"No need to apologise. Holy shit."

Jo was pretty certain she’d never heard Yaz swear and it seemed so apt that she couldn’t help but laugh aloud, unable to stop. She was elated, high on life and love and Yasmin Khan.

"Holy shit, indeed. I can't believe I nearly didn't do that."

"Well I for one am very glad you did," Yaz said, smiling. She flopped back onto the sofa, raising her arms above her head as if in surrender.

Jo also slumped back into the cushions. Her lips tingled as if they were coming back to life. She had kissed Yasmin Khan and all was right with the world. A grin spread across her features before she could stop it.

“Holy shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we're nearly there with this one 🙂 maybe a couple more chapters til we're all caught up, I reckon. I'll definitely continue to write stories about these two, but if you have any ideas or requests about what you'd like to read, just shout on here or on Tumblr @maglex 👍 I have an idea for a huuuuge (non-AU) fic that I hope will keep me busy for a few weeks and stop spamming your inboxes 😀


	13. A second time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday! Except Mondays suck. Have some smut to see you through :)  
> As ever, come find me on Tumblr if you want to chat! @maglex

For the first time in a long time Jo slept blissfully, relatively speaking; although her leg caused a fair bit of discomfort, her mind was at peace. No longer tortured by dreams of River, she dreamed instead of things that an unencumbered mind would conjure up, like talking rabbits, and miniature bicycles, and scenery that couldn’t possibly exist on earth. It was a trip, but one that Jo was more than happy to take. 

She’d just awoken from a dream about a spaceship full of dinosaurs when Yaz entered the room bearing pastries from the cafe down the road. Confused as to how late she’d slept in, Jo’s eyes nevertheless lit up when she noticed they were her favourite pastries, realising that she could get used to this kind of treatment. She winced as she sat up with the aid of Yaz, eager to inhale breakfast but also to broach the subject of a shower; it had been a couple of days since she’d had one and she felt in dire need of some hot water. It felt like the smell of the hospital was clinging to her skin. And she was getting used to asking for help, especially since Yaz was actually sticking around. The thought sent a flutter through her.

What she didn’t account for was the logistics of her request. Or the fact that she would be sharing a shower with one very naked Yasmin Khan. In hindsight, it was obvious that the tension between them had been building for months, and only now that they were able to act on it was Jo starting to get nervous. One part of her wanted nothing more than to get to know Yaz as intimately as possible, but her leg was going to prove problematic, and in a way it would help them take things slowly. 

But when Yaz started to undress, rational thought went out of the window. Jo felt her jaw drop as Yaz removed her layers of clothing, exposing skin and muscle that Jo had only dreamed about. 

“Oh my god. Yaz, you're beautiful. So beautiful.” 

It was true. Jo knew that Yaz kept fit but the body before her was like nothing she’d ever seen before. Jo hadn’t even realised that half of those muscles existed and her hands itched to map them, explore them like uncharted territory. Yaz’s skin looked so soft and inviting, and her curves drew Jo’s eyes instantly.

“Five weeks. Jesus Christ.” Jo bunched the duvet in her fists in frustration, preparing to flop back onto the mattress in defeat. It felt like they’d leapt one hurdle to be faced with another. 

Yaz had seemed to relax at Jo’s clear frustration, before encouraging her into the shower. 

Admittedly, standing upright would have been difficult anyway given the mess her leg was in, but Jo knew that she wouldn’t be able to last long with Yaz’s hands touching her skin. They’d made it into the shower, finally able to look at each other openly, and Jo realised she’d got herself into some serious trouble. She trembled as Yaz’s hands passed smoothly over her shoulders, washing the soap from them. Jo’s hands instinctively came to rest on Yaz’s naked hips, pulling her close as they kissed under the warm water. 

"Do you know how long I've wanted to do that for?" Jo asked, tracing Yaz's lower lip with her thumb. 

“Kiss me in the shower?” Yaz asked, confused. She continued caressing Jo’s skin under the pretence of helping her shower. It was torture.

“Kiss you, full stop. I can’t help myself,” Jo sighed, emphasising her point with another kiss that left them breathless. “You have very kissable lips.”

Yaz had reached her ribs, passing carefully over the bruising. Jo couldn’t help but hiss in pain as she touched a tender spot. 

“Sorry,” Yaz murmured, biting her lip. 

“It’s alright. Think I’m just a bit-” Jo gasped as Yaz ran her hand underneath her breasts. “Sensitive,” she exhaled shakily.

Yaz grinned wickedly at her. 

“Yaz,” Jo whined. It wasn’t fair. 

“This was all your fault,” Yaz replied. “I can't help it if you're this bloody hot.”

 _Two could play this game_. 

“Maybe we'll need to get creative,” she murmured into Yaz's ear, delighting in the intake of breath she elicited. She could have sworn that Yaz shuddered.

“Maybe.”

Jo couldn’t tell if Yaz was calling her bluff so she played her trump card, letting her hands trail across the defined musculature of Yaz’s stomach. 

“Okay, definitely.”

 _Bingo_.

Several hours later, Jo couldn’t wipe the smile from her face as she watched Yaz sleep beside her, no doubt tired out from their explorations between the sheets. Jo propped herself up on an elbow, and started tracing the warm skin of Yaz’s bare shoulder. 

The other woman had taken her by complete surprise, she mused. Their path to this point had been far from easy, though. Jo recalled the many tortured nights and days spent thinking about Yaz, trying to reconcile her feelings with those she still harboured for River. It had taken chance meetings with Clara Oswald and a careless driver to actually push them together. Despite the fact that they’d felt the same way about one another the entire time.  

Jo still couldn't believe it. She marvelled at the feel of Yaz's skin under her fingertips, the way she breathed in sleep. Everything about this was so fragile, so tentatively new that Jo was afraid of breaking it. 

Yaz shifted in her sleep and Jo remembered their conversation earlier that day. 

_“Talking of spending time together...I was thinking about Christmas,” said Yaz._

_“Oh?”_

_“Yeah. I don't want to leave you here alone. So I thought, maybe I could stay?”_

_“What about your family?”_

_“We don't really celebrate it. They won't mind.”_

_“Yaz, are you sure? I don't want you to miss out.”_

_Yaz shook her head. “I'd miss out by not being here. With you.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah. I kind of thought...we could create our own Christmas tradition.”_

_“That sounds amazing,” Jo replied, feeling a grin spread across her face._

Christmas had been a dark shadow looming on the horizon but now it was full of promise. Ever since her parents had died, Jo hadn't seen a reason to celebrate it - and her time with River had been cut so brutally short that she then opted not to celebrate it at all. But now she had someone special to spend it with, she was actually looking forward to the holiday. 

"What are you doing?"

Jo realised she'd been tracing circles on Yaz's skin, the touch enough to wake her.

"Sorry," she mumbled, pulled out of her daydream. 

"No need to say sorry," Yaz said, stretching slightly as she turned to face Jo fully. "Are you in pain?"

Jo was touched by her concern. 

"No," she smiled. "The opposite."

Kissing someone new was always a thrill but with Yaz, although that same thrill raced through Jo, it felt like they had kissed many, many times before. There was no awkwardness, no clash of teeth; they could sense each other so well. Jo sighed into the kiss, falling into it like it was an inevitable conclusion to their brief conversation. 

Then, the mood shifted. Gentle kisses turned into urgent ones and without speaking, Jo knew they were on the same wavelength when Yaz carefully urged her onto her back. 

"I thought I'd tired you out," Jo murmured, trailing her hands up the sides of Yaz's stomach. 

"Fat chance," Yaz breathed. "You think you can keep going?"

"I've only got a broken leg, I won't let that stop me."

"And a concussion," Yaz reminded her, her brow furrowing slightly as she eyed Jo's forehead. 

"Well then, maybe I just need some extra tender, loving care."

Yaz laughed, kissing Jo when she pouted in response. 

"If anyone deserves that, it's you," Yaz agreed, indulging Jo in several more kisses that turned progressively heated. Yaz let her breasts brush against Jo's, and Jo thought she might have died and gone to heaven. 

She revised her opinion when Yaz moved her mouth sideways, paying careful attention to Jo's neck and then her collarbone. She drifted carefully around the bruising on Jo's torso, letting her lips trace the unmarked skin like she was hunting for treasure. She found it when she reached Jo's breasts, letting her mouth capture a nipple and her tongue worship the aroused skin. 

"Fuck," Jo gasped loudly, letting her head tip back into the pillow. A twinge of pain shot through her shoulders but she ignored it in favour of the loving attention that Yaz was lavishing on her breasts.

Yaz looked up, her breaths stirring a stray wisp of hair that Jo couldn't help but tuck behind her ear. 

"Are you okay?"

Jo nodded eagerly, ignoring the discomfort. It was easy, really, when Yaz was looking at her so hungrily. 

"Good, because I really want to taste you." 

Jo groaned at the glint that entered Yaz's eye and felt herself grow wet at the sight. She bit her lip as she watched Yaz re-tie her hair - who knew that could be so hot? - and carefully ease herself down the bed, gently urging Jo’s leg to the side to make sure there was enough space for her to lie between her thighs. 

There was no torturous foreplay. As soon as she was able, Yaz brought her mouth down, and Jo’s hips jerked as she felt warmth envelop her. They’d messed around for too long, wasted too much time to draw things out now; she appreciated Yaz’s more direct approach. She felt Yaz moan as she tasted her, mirroring the sound herself as a clever tongue licked around her clit, applying more pressure once Yaz figured out what felt good. 

Wary of moving too much, Jo let one hand entangle itself in Yaz’s hair, the other making do with clenching the sheets beside her. It was very hard to stay still when Yaz was doing what she was doing, though, and her hips had other ideas. Helpfully, Yaz’s strong forearm came to rest on them, pinning them in place as she filled Jo with two fingers. 

“God,” Jo groaned, eyes screwed shut as she took Yaz inside. There was a slight stretch, a very minor discomfort that turned Jo on even more. Yaz was fucking her. Yaz was inside her. Yaz was…

All sensible thought fled when that wicked tongue found its way back to her clit. Yaz was focused, quiet as she choreographed her movements expertly. Jo wondered how she got so good at this, then realised she didn’t want to know, and didn’t really care. All that mattered was that Yaz was between her legs, giving oral sex so attentively that it was breathtaking, on several levels. She made a mental note to repay the favour when she was able. 

The flat was quiet - Jo distantly wondered what time it was - and the only sound was that of them moving against the sheets. Jo couldn’t stop the increasingly loud moans that reverberated from her chest, echoing around the room. They seemed to spur Yaz on even more; her stamina was relentless. Jo chanced a look down and felt another rush of heat between her legs when she saw Yaz between them looking so focused. It was one of the hottest things she’d ever seen. 

“I’m gonna-” Jo gasped as Yaz pushed against a spot inside that made her see stars. 

“Yeah?” Yaz murmured, pulling her mouth away for a split second to check in. Seeing Yaz’s lips so wet with her own arousal triggered something inside of Jo. 

“Yeah,” she whimpered, “you’ll make me come.” 

When the wave finally broke Jo held on for dear life, embracing a release that left her completely limp in its wake. She could feel herself gasping for breath, recovering the senses that had been obliterated by Yasmin Khan.

“Are you alright?” Yaz asked, clearly worried. 

Jo nodded jerkily. 

“You went so quiet that I thought something was wrong.” 

“I don’t think you could ever do anything wrong, Yaz, when it comes to that.”

Yaz smiled softly as Jo used a trembling thumb to trace her lips. 

“You taste amazing, by the way.” As Yaz flopped down next to her, Jo felt herself melt a little. Yaz knew just what she needed, it seemed. It was frustrating that she couldn’t quite return the favour as well as she wanted to. 

Again, Yaz seemed to read her like a book. 

“Just relax,” she said, her palm resting on Jo’s still-heaving chest. “We have all the time we need.”

Jo realised that Yaz was right. Although they had a lot to make up for, there was no point in rushing things. She shivered a little as the sweat on her body cooled, realising that she was utterly exhausted when her eyes started to droop.

“Stay here? Just for a bit.” Jo didn’t like to sound so needy, but she didn’t want Yaz to go anywhere. She knew she was about to fall asleep but she couldn’t bear the thought of Yaz not being there when she woke up. This whole thing felt too good to be true, so dream-like that Jo was scared to wake up and find it had all been a figment of her imagination. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Yaz stated simply, snagging the duvet and covering them both. “I’ve spent so long running away that I need - I want - to stay still.”

Jo hummed in acknowledgment when Yaz closed the distance between them, tucking her head under Jo’s chin and wrapping an arm carefully around her waist. 

“Sleep, Jo. You need to rest.”

Jo barely heard Yaz before she was back in the land of pleasant dreams, feeling safe and warm and utterly content.

 


	14. A fresh start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go guys...the final chapter! (There's an epilogue to come, don't worry 🙂)  
> I would be remiss to not say a huge, HUGE thank you to TheRainbowFox for being my beta on this and not only keeping me sane but also introducing me to some lovely people! This was a lot harder to write than I expected and she kept me going, so thank you ❤️

“Jo?”

“Hmm?”

Jo looked up from her crossword puzzle as Yaz entered the living room. She could tell instantly that Yaz was on edge about something by the way she was fidgeting with the phone in her hands.

“What’s up?”

Jo tried not to let nerves get the better of her. Something had happened. Her mind was trying to jump to unpleasant places, racing as she thought of every possibility.

“Would you mind if my mum came round? It’s just, I could do with some clean clothes and I don’t really want to leave you alone, and-”

“And that is absolutely fine,” Jo butted in, stopping Yaz before she could ramble herself into a panic. She’d never seen Yaz so nervous. It was endearing. And she was so relieved that the request was so simple that it took a moment for reality to sink in. Yaz’s mum. Visiting. Meeting Yaz’s mum. _Oh boy._

It’d been a while since she’d had to meet a partner’s parents. She'd never met River’s, for a start.

“When’s she coming?” Jo asked, folding the newspaper. She’d been stuck on one of the clues for so long that she definitely wasn’t going to be able to concentrate now.

“In about ten minutes?” Yaz winced, clearly recognising that they didn’t have much time to prepare for their visitor.

Jo’s eyebrows shot into her hairline and she winced as the motion pulled on her stitches.

“I can say no, it’s absolutely fine,” Yaz said, instantly swiping her phone to unlock it.

“No!” Jo stuck out her hand, feebly trying to stop Yaz from cancelling. “No way. I think it’s probably better this way.” Nevertheless, she could feel her heart rate start to pick up. She was actually nervous about this. As was Yaz, clearly, given by the way she was starting to pace the room. After suggesting Yaz sit down and join her on the couch, Jo had just about managed to calm her down when the doorbell went and Yaz was instantly on her feet, buzzing with nervous energy.

So Jo used one approach that seemed to work.

"You look gorgeous, as ever."

It might have been a ploy to get Yaz to relax, but it was also true. Jo realised she could get through anything if she just thought of Yaz.

As Yaz went to open the door, Jo turned herself on the couch, eager to see Yaz’s mum as soon as she entered. Belatedly, she didn’t even realise what she was called, so as soon as an older woman crossed the threshold, Jo had no choice but to greet her the only way she knew how.

"Hi, Yaz's mum!"

The older woman smiled, but Jo could notice that her expression was slightly guarded. It was a very odd scenario, now that she thought about it. And no doubt Yaz’s mum would be making mental notes of her first impressions of Jo; Jo wondered how well she’d got on with Yaz’s ex and firmly pushed that thought to one side. _Not helpful._

"Call me Najia. And you must be Jo, it's nice to finally meet you," Najia smiled, leaving some mince pies in the kitchen before making a beeline for Jo. She noticed the bandage and tutted when she saw Jo's leg propped up on the coffee table.

"Yaz mentioned you'd been hurt, but I didn't realise it was quite this bad," Najia said, perching on the end of the sofa. Jo relaxed a little when Najia made herself comfortable.

"It's okay, honestly. I heal quickly, and it looks much worse than it is," Jo didn't want Yaz's mum, of all people, to worry about her. But the maternal concern was a comfort and something Jo hadn't experienced in a long, long time.

"What happened?" Najia asked. Jo cast a quick glance at the kitchen, where Yaz was boiling the kettle, and realised she was on her own for this one.

"To be honest? I'm not entirely sure. The police came to take a statement and the driver admitted that he was speeding near a school."

Najia tutted.

"I can't imagine he'll get off lightly for that," she said.

"No," Jo agreed. "He might lose his license. But it might also need to go to court. That's a whole other story."

Honestly, Jo wasn't entirely sure what to do about the whole thing. Although the driver had been careless, when she tried to remember her own state of mind that day, she had been so busy thinking of Yaz that she couldn't honestly tell what had happened. It had taken place abruptly and she'd been knocked out as soon as she hit the road. Her memories of the actual crash were limited to the sound of her bike hitting metal and the noise inside her own skull when she hit the tarmac. It was sickening but frighteningly vivid. Jo shivered slightly and Najia reached over and pulled up the edge of her blanket as Jo continued to talk, making sure she was warm. It was something that Yaz had been doing on a regular basis and Jo realised they'd both been mothering her, to a degree.

"Then the next thing I knew, Yaz was there."

As if she'd timed it, Yaz joined them, sitting on the arm of the sofa closest to Jo. Jo sagged a little in relief, glad that they could perhaps move the conversation on and away from ‘practice at how to act around someone's mother'. Yaz seemed to read her mind, placing a reassuring palm between her shoulders.

"Really? Yasmin, you didn't mention that bit," Najia said, looking at her daughter in shock. Jo was surprised to hear Yaz referred to by her full name. It was a beautiful name and Jo rarely used it. She realised she'd have to ask Yaz about it later; there was still so much she didn't know about her. The whole situation was so unusual that Jo was still wrapping her head around it.

"Yeah," Yaz exhaled. "It was pretty scary."

There was a pause as the three of them tried to adjust to the new dynamic. Jo couldn't help but break the silence.

"But Yaz has been looking after me so well, Najia. I honestly don't know what I'd have done without her."

Jo turned to one side to look at Yaz properly and was so taken aback by her that she forgot for a moment where she was. It was only at the sound of a throat clearing that she rejoined reality.

"You made a truly awesome human, Najia." Even as she said it, though, Jo couldn't tear her eyes away from Yaz.

"I like to think so, too," Najia replied. Yaz started to fuss over Jo again, giving her some painkillers and Najia took the opportunity to excuse herself.

"Anyway, I should get out of your hair," she said.

"What? You should stay for another cup of tea, at least," Jo protested, realising that she'd been a bad host. Yaz was just too distracting.

Najia shook her head. "I think you two have everything you need right here. But let me know if you need anything else, and I'll speak to you soon, alright, love?" she asked Yaz.

Yaz led her mother out, casting a quick glance back at Jo, who winked. All in all, as first meetings went, things had gone pretty well. At least Yaz wouldn't have to go through the same thing with her own parents, Jo mused. But it was nice to have an extended family, ones who cared enough to bring enough mince pies to last a month despite never having met Jo, and without question.

She wondered what Yaz would have made of her parents, and vice versa. Her mum would have loved having Yaz around. The thought sent a pang through Jo as she realised they would never meet. She gathered her wits about her when Yaz finally returned. She had been gone for long enough that it was obvious some kind of conversation had occurred out of earshot. But Yaz seemed happy, so Jo could only hope that her mum had been supportive.

"She reminds me of you," Jo said, when Yaz took her mum's seat next to Jo. "It's kind of nice to have a mum around, again."

"I'm not even going to pretend to know how hard this time of year is. But I hope I can at least make it a bit happier." Yaz was so earnest and so kind that Jo felt herself getting emotional about the whole thing. Christmas always did this to her, it was why she avoided it. But now that Yaz was here and she had started to open up again, Jo knew it was part of the healing process to be upfront.

"You make me very happy, Yaz. I can't thank you enough for being here." She knew she'd said it before but she wanted Yaz to know exactly how she felt. It was imperative, especially when she felt so vulnerable.

Yaz kissed her cheek softly and carefully pulled Jo into a hug.

"I'm not going anywhere."

No matter how many times Yaz said it, Jo never tired of hearing it. She knew she was being clingy, but the fact that Yaz was with her right there and then was such an unexpected marvel that she had to savour every moment.

* * *

_December 25_

Just as Yaz had suggested, they made their very own Christmas traditions. They’d celebrated the arrival of the big day by staying awake late into the night, discovering and rediscovering one another into the small hours of the morning. Jo awoke before Yaz and made the most of the peace and quiet outside by lying still and enjoying the calm. There was no sound from outside, no distant sound of traffic or people that often filtered up from the streets below. The world was quiet and when Jo looked out of the window, it was to a blanket of white in the trees.

"It snowed," Yaz murmured, rubbing her eyes sleepily before turning into the warmth of Jo's body.

"Yeah. It's so peaceful," Jo said, her voice quiet as they took the time to wake up slowly. It was a luxury.

"Is there anything in particular you wanted to do today?" Yaz ran a finger between Jo's breasts, above her heart. A simple gesture, but one that sent Jo's heart racing to the point where it felt she had two.

"Well, I wouldn't mind starting every Christmas like this," Jo said, holding Yaz close. "And right now I would love nothing more than to continue where we left off last night, but breakfast might be a good idea." She smiled ruefully as her stomach rumbled, clearly in need of sustenance.

"I don't know where you put it all," Yaz laughed, tracing the outline of Jo's hip.

"You help me burn it off marvellously," Jo grinned. "In all seriousness, I suppose at some point we should eat something."

"How about I get you some cereal and you can decide on lunch?"

They had agreed that neither of them would cook, given Jo's predisposition to burn things in the kitchen and current inability to stand unaided, combined with Yaz's impatience with cooking in general. Although Jo loved to cook and was very much looking forward to cooking for Yaz, there was no way she could handle the idea of cooking that day.

They had also agreed to skip gifts, perfectly content to spend the day with one another. And when Yaz had said that her time with Jo was a gift, there was no way Jo could really top that with something material. Besides, all of these new traditions meant so much more. Especially when Yaz was bringing her Frosties in bed.

The day essentially revolved around food, which Jo wasn't going to argue with; her fondest memories of Christmas were of eating. But when they dug into a Chinese takeaway later that day and Yaz off-handedly commented on how much she'd love to travel to China and try authentic Chinese food, an idea took flight in Jo's mind that she couldn't ignore.

The thought of travelling again had occurred to her in recent weeks when she was at her lowest ebb, but now that Yaz was in the picture she hadn't given it a second thought. However, as soon as Yaz mentioned an interest in visiting Asia, Jo couldn't stop thinking about it. _Would Yaz want to travel? With me?_

When they watched fresh snow fall outside the window and Yaz mentioned going for a Christmas day walk the following year, Jo couldn't help but wonder if they could celebrate it elsewhere. Somewhere other than Sheffield. She wanted to show Yaz the world.

_First things first, though._

Safely ensconced on the sofa and comfortably full of chocolate, Yaz tucked into her side, and a mug of mulled wine in one hand, Jo realised she hadn't felt that content in a long, long time.

"Yaz?"

"Hmm?" Apparently Yaz had been falling asleep on her shoulder.

"Sorry, gorgeous. Go back to sleep."

"No, it's okay. What's up?" Yaz shifted as she tried to wake herself from a food coma.

"I just realised that I never asked you out."

Saying the words aloud made Jo feel like an awkward teenager and she blushed as Yaz pulled away to look at her.

"Wait. You're asking me out?"

Jo nodded.

"I kind of figured we'd skipped past that part."

Jo had to acknowledge that Yaz had a point.

"Yeah. You're right, sorry, that was stupid-"

A finger fell across her lips.

"Of course I'll go out with you," Yaz smiled, hair falling softly around her face as she regarded Jo in the dim illumination cast by fairy-lights and candles. Jo felt her heart skip a beat. She was so in love with this woman that she could physically feel it.

"You can invite me to prom next."

Jo hid her face in her hands, cheeks burning. _Smooth, Jo._

But Yaz pulled them away.

"You're cute when you blush. And you're cute, full stop. I'd love to go out with you, not that you really needed to ask."

"But I wanted to," Jo insisted. "I wanted to do this properly."

That seemed to stump Yaz, and she responded by leaning in and kissing Jo softly.

Jo was so distracted by the feel of Yaz's lips against her own that she was slow to realise that Yaz's hand had slid up her thigh, only noticing when deft fingers brushed the hem of her Christmas boxer shorts. They were Jo's only concession to the holiday, and when River had given them to her she'd meant it in jest - they were men's boxers after all - but she'd eaten her words when Jo insisted on wearing them and looked damn hot doing so.

"I like this tradition," Yaz said, looking Jo in the eye as her fingers skimmed the front of the material, checking for dissent as she let her hand slip inside the slit at the front.

"Which one?" Jo gasped at her boldness.

"The wearing pyjamas all day. And the sex."

Jo couldn't help but agree, reaching for the drawstring of Yaz's pyjama bottoms.

"Nuh uh," Yaz murmured, free hand capturing Jo's and pinning it to the back of the sofa. "Hands off, for now."

"I don't like being told what to do," Jo grumbled, secretly more than a little turned on by Yaz leading the way.

"Are you sure about that? I'm sensing otherwise."

Sure enough, Jo's body had betrayed her and she could feel Yaz's fingers gliding through her wetness with ease.

"Not sure, no," Jo admitted, gritting her teeth as Yaz circled the bundle of nerves at the apex.

Yaz leaned in and put her mouth by Jo's ear. "Hold on," she whispered, giving Jo a second to follow directions and grab hold of the sofa cushions before she slid two fingers inside. She smiled at Jo's reaction to the intrusion.

"And let's see how long you can last."

* * *

_December 31_

She had lasted surprisingly well, Jo thought, even if she did say so herself. But she would never look at those boxers the same way again.

Afterwards they had dozed on the sofa, in no hurry to move. Jo reminisced about Yaz falling asleep in her arms. But the memory was too vivid, too distracting, and real life only intruded when her nose detected something burning. Realising she had been standing by the open fridge door for endless minutes, Jo snapped out of it to see, with dismay, that her caramel had caught.

"Jo?"

Yaz's timing couldn't have been worse. Jo grimaced as she ran the hot pan under the cold tap, releasing clouds of steam to the room. The smoke alarm had already been rather impatiently disabled with a screwdriver.

"Yaz! You're back early," Jo said, feeling sheepish when Yaz caught sight of her and laughed.

"What happened here?"

"Ah, well. I was hoping to make you dinner, to say thank you for looking after me. Except I didn't time things too well, and then something caught on fire when I was poking about in the fridge."

Jo held the pan aloft, wobbling as the move unbalanced her.

"Babe, that's very sweet of you. But you honestly didn't have to do that," Yaz said, taking the pan from her. Jo felt herself melt a little at the endearment that fell so naturally from Yaz's lips.

"How about we order takeaway?"

After helping Jo remove the flour from her face and make her way to the sofa, Yaz sat her down with a healthy glass of wine and some painkillers.

"I'm pretty sure you aren't meant to mix these with alcohol but I think that's a small price to pay."

"Can't bloody wait to get this thing off," Jo grumbled, already sick of the sight of the cast.

"I've been thinking, by the way. About that. When you get your cast off. Did you want to get away? Go on a long weekend somewhere? I know you're a bit stir crazy after being stuck in this flat for so long."

At that, Jo perked up. Her mood lifted when she realised that Yaz had opened up a discussion topic that she'd been planning to introduce over dinner, anyway. Nerves took flight with a flutter but she ignored them, realising the timing was perfect.

"You know, I was thinking the same thing. But...maybe even better. Sit with me for a bit?"

She waited for Yaz to settle next to her and took a deep breath.

"As you know, I was travelling a little while ago. And I came back for several reasons, one of which, I honestly think, was to meet you. I was going to ask you over dinner, but that didn't quite pan out," Jo said, gesturing towards the kitchen.

"Would you want to come away with me? See some more of the world? Leave Sheffield behind, just for a little while. I think it would be brilliant to see it all with you."

That was it. All her cards were played and Jo waited with bated breath to see how Yaz would react. Her face was shocked, but Jo wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign.

"What?"

That wasn't quite the response she'd expected. Perhaps she'd misjudged the whole thing. Jo started to backtrack rapidly, worried that she'd freaked Yaz out with the suggestion.

"Too much, wasn't it? Ah, me and my big mouth. Sorry, Yaz, just ignore it. We don't have to do anything as life-changing as that, my life has already changed with you in it, and-"

"No. Just...give me a minute to digest it."

Jo watched as Yaz got used to the idea. It was nerve-wracking watching someone come to such a momentous decision.

"Yeah," Yaz exhaled. "You know what? Yeah. I think that would be amazing."

Jo's brain short-circuited in a way that normally only happened when Yaz was between her legs, in the best possible way.

"Yeah?" Jo had to be certain. This was going to change everything. Travelling could be hard and brutal and exhausting and she had to know Yaz really wanted it, and wasn't just agreeing to it to make Jo happy.

She had her answer when Yaz started to grin.

"Definitely. Yes. Yes, yes, yes," Yaz beamed, leaning across the sofa to kiss Jo soundly. Jo felt the tension leave her body in a rush but there was another kind of tension in the room. The kind that came with big life developments, the kind that accompanied change. This time, it was for the better.

Yaz took Jo's hands in hers and licked her lips, apparently gearing herself up for something.

"Jo, I... I don't know how else to say this, really. You're like the best person I've ever met. I am completely in love with you and I think I have been for a long time. I've never felt so scared, or alive, as I do when I'm with you."

And just like that, Jo knew she could come clean. She'd held onto her secret for weeks, unable to give voice to feelings that had felt far too strong for the newness of their relationship. But hearing the words come from Yaz made Jo realise that whatever happened between them wasn't going to follow a stereotypical relationship outline. That had gone out of the window the moment she'd briefly woken up in the ambulance and felt Yaz holding her hand like she was never going to let go. Jo didn't even need to open her eyes to know it was Yaz's hand in hers. She'd never forget that moment for as long as she lived.

"It's a good thing the feeling's mutual, then," Jo replied. "Because Yasmin Khan, I very much love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three things...  
> Does everyone know what Frosties are?  
> Are Chinese takeaways at Christmas a thing elsewhere? Or is my inner Scot showing? 😂 Personally I've never tried it but I know they do very good business and are some of the few places open on Dec 25.  
> Men's Christmas boxers - these are actually based on a pair of real-life boxers with turkeys on them. With an interesting story attached....😏
> 
> As always, come find me on Tumblr @maglex if you want to chat 🙂


	15. An epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of An Education.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who wanted to know about the Christmas boxers, you'll find more in the comments section of the previous chapter. 
> 
> For everyone else...enjoy.

_One year later_  

Jo sighed contentedly as she watched the barman make their drinks. Cocktails on the beach were a welcome treat and a very memorable way to greet the new year. Turning on her heel, she scanned the sand behind her, looking for the familiar outline of Yaz. Her gaze drifted past some local children playing football and stopped when it alighted on the person she wanted to see the most. Yaz was watching the kids play with a soft smile on her face and Jo watched her unheeded for several moments. 

They had called Yaz's family earlier that day and Jo wondered if that was why Yaz had been so unusually quiet all afternoon. Najia was looking after Jo's plants, holding them up to the camera so that Jo could see for herself how they were faring. But Jo couldn't help but wonder if that snippet of home had made Yaz homesick. She was very close with her family, after all. Jo sighed, this time slightly worriedly for Yaz and how she was coping, before picking up their drinks and heading over. 

"They'd run out of pineapple juice but apparently the mango version is the next best thing."

Jo plonked herself on the sand, instantly feeling the heat where their bare shoulders touched. Although she denied it, she had definitely caught the sun. Yaz, on the other hand, had been far more sensible with the sunscreen and was taking every opportunity to rub in the fact that Jo's nose was particularly pink.

They were quiet for a long moment, to the point that Jo had to ask. 

"You ok, Yaz?" 

"More than ok," Yaz's eyes were wide as she tried to reassure her. "I can't believe we're here. Or that you managed to catch the sun, despite the factor 50."

Jo protested, secretly relieved that Yaz was continuing to mock her gently. Maybe she was over-interpreting things. 

"It's cute!" Yaz replied. "You even have these little freckles, right...here." She laid a finger on Jo's cheek to point them out. 

River used to do that. Jo swallowed hard, ambushed by the memory. Her thoughts of River had become few and far between, superseded by more recent memories with Yaz. River was fading, a loss that Jo had finally acknowledged. She had to in order to move on with her life. But she would never be forgotten.

"So," Yaz pulled away, clearing her throat as she ran her hand along the scar on Jo's leg, which had been hidden by plaster this time last year. 

"A year ago, you asked me a question. And now it's my turn to ask you something."

In the space of milliseconds, Jo realised why Yaz had been so skittish. Her suspicions were confirmed when Yaz dropped down on one knee in front of her, brandishing a ring the likes of which Jo had never seen before. The diamonds looked like a cluster of stars and Jo felt her eyes sting with the sudden onset of tears when she realised precisely what was happening. 

"This past year has been the most incredible year of my life. But I want more. More of the world, and more time with you."

She smiled at Jo, her own eyes shining in the orange glow of the sunset. Jo was frozen to the spot. 

"I've had such an adventure with you and I don't want the adventure to end when we go home. Will you marry me?"

Jo nodded before she realised what she was doing, completely lost for words. She continued to nod mutely as Yaz put the ring on her finger, admiring the way it slid on so perfectly. _Of course it did._

As soon as the ring was in place Jo flung her arms around Yaz's neck, feeling her shaking with nerves. She left a kiss on her temple, trying to settle them both. Her own breaths were halting, overwhelmed by sheer joy. She gave herself a minute to calm down, regain her breath, and formulate words. Thinking back to their first Christmas, Jo remembered what Yaz had told her when she had first asked her out. She pulled away, looking Yaz in the eye and feeling her cheeks burn from a smile that showed no sign of fading. 

"Of course I'll marry you," Jo replied. "Not that you really needed to ask."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...of course she said yes :)
> 
> I will write more for these two but in the meantime, feel free to come and find me on Tumblr (@maglex) or Twitter (@_mag_lex) and, even better, if you have prompts for this series, let me know!

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on twitter (@mag_lex) or Tumblr (maglex)


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